Taking Our Inventory

[MajestyJo]

No man can produce great things who is not thoroughly sincere in dealing with himself.

—James Russell Lowell

For so many years, I looked outside of myself for the answers, for the validation and acceptance of who I was. I could not find it within myself. That is because I wasn't able or willing to look.

My disease made me act selfish and self-centered. Yet, I had no concept of self-care. In order to recover, I had to put my life into the care of my God. In order to recover, I had to find out who my God was to me. I had to find out who I was to God.

My God gave me freedom of choice. He gives me forgiveness and unconditional love. I had to learn to find these things within me.

It isn't about what other people did or did to me; it is about my actions and what I did to myself and others.

It was necessary to take an inventory to see what was there, how can I change something if I don't know what I had accumulated along the way, what I had let go of, and what was never there and needed to be added and what needed to be taken away or changed in a way that was conducive to good recovery.

My first thought was that I was alright, now I had put the plug in the jug, I was just fine. And then I remembered that fine mean, frustrated, insecure, neurotic and emotional. A friend took my inventory for me, I went home and added more to this list and then my sponsor said, 'Now find something positive to balance it out, because there is goodness there too. That was the hard part.

I was told, "What you see in others, is within you. It takes one to know one. If you see positive or negative, it is a reflection of yourself. The people are your mirror." Some days I want to hang a curtain over that mirror. Other days, the mirror is fogged up, and I am not ready to see what is being reflected back at me. Eventually, I see and then I have to get honest. Honest with me, self-honesty, the person who I lied to for so many years.

My sponsor and spiritual adviser always said, "Look who you are point a finger at if you really want to know what you need to work on."

How to find a good friend? Be one!

I was told if I was fearful of taking an inventory, I should go back to Step 3 before I continued with Step 4.

But if any of you lacketh wisdom, let him ask of God, who giveth to all liberally and unbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing doubting; for he that doubteth is like the surge of the sea driven by the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord; a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

- James I: 5-8


The only way to find true help and support is to take things to my Higher Power. If you don't have a sponsor, perhaps you have a clergyman you can go to, a long time friend, an Elder, a counsellor, etc. It is important to look at what is there, so you know what to change and/or what you need to nurture, and/or build something new that was never there before.

Turn things over and leave them there, walk in faith.

This could be a rerun, I have posted so much I forget or lose track.

They say to take a fearless inventory, take a leap of faith.

[MajestyJo]

No man can produce great things who is not thoroughly sincere in dealing with himself.

—James Russell Lowell

For so many years, I looked outside of myself for the answers, for the validation and acceptance of who I was. I could not find it within myself. That is because I wasn't able or willing to look.

My disease made me act selfish and self-centered. Yet, I had no concept of self-care. In order to recover, I had to put my life into the care of my God. In order to recover, I had to find out who my God was to me. I had to find out who I was to God.

My God gave me freedom of choice. He gives me forgiveness and unconditional love. I had to learn to find these things within me.

It isn't about what other people did or did to me; it is about my actions and what I did to myself and others.

It was necessary to take an inventory to see what was there, how can I change something if I don't know what I had accumulated along the way, what I had let go of, and what was never there and needed to be added and what needed to be taken away or changed in a way that was condusive to good recovery.

My first thought was that I was alright, now I had put the plug in the jug, I was just fine. And then I remembered that fine mean, frustrated, insecure, neurotic and emotional. A friend took my inventory for me, I went home and added more to this list and then my sponsor said, 'Now find something positive to balance it out, because there is goodness there too. That was the hard part.

I was told, "What you see in others, is within you. It takes one to know one. If you see positive or negative, it is a reflection of yourself. The people are your mirror." Some days I want to hang a curtain over that mirror. Other days, the mirror is fogged up, and I am not ready to see what is being reflected back at me. Eventually, I see and then I have to get honest. Honest with me, self-honesty, the person who I lied to for so many years.

My sponsor and spiritual adviser always said, "Look who you are point a finger at if you really want to know what you need to work on."

[honeydumplin]

Here is a brief inventory. The fourth step in the book Alcoholics Anonymous
can be a confusing format for a very confused drunk like myself.
The work sheets, and good sponsorship really helped in simplifying my first inventory.
I wanted to share some of it with you.
For me, what the fourth step did was to put plainly in black and white my participation in the harm itself,
and stop justifying the cycle of blame that I kept placing on others.
It starts to reveal a level of responsibility, by placing me directly in the harm.
Thanks for letting me share it.

Harms Other Than Sexual

Who did I hurt?
What did I do?
Affects My:
What Feelings Did I Create In Others? Done Instead?
Where had I been:

Me. 7th Grade
Acted like a spoiled brat
social instinct
anger/behaved
inconsiderate of others

Foreigner
Disrespected his country
security
bitterness/honored tradition
selfish inconsiderate

Ms. High School Teacher
Told people she shot me the bird ( a lie )
security
anger suspicion/shut-up
self seeking and frightened/ inconsiderate

Little boy
Served him alcohol to drink by accident
social
fear and suspicion/been careful. owned up.
dishonest inconsiderate

Little girl (daughter of a woman I dated)
Gave her the cold shoulder
security
suspicion bitterness/been kind
selfish inconsiderate

Mom
Begged for money
security
all the above/waited for my paycheck
self seeking and frightened/ dishonest

Dad
Drank and drugged while working for him
social
all the above/obeyed laws of the commonwealth
dishonest

Grandfather
Was never around for him at all
social/insecure
jealousy neglect/ spent more time with him
selfish

Grandmother
Took advantage of her
security
suspicion/showed respect
self seeking and frightened

Company #1
Drank too much and did drugs at work
social
jealousy/self-restraint at work. maturity.
selfish, inconsiderate, dishonest

Bill
Took his drugs from him
security
anger bitterness/left his drugs alone
self seeking and frightened, selfish, dishonest

Company #2
Stole household items
social, security
suspicion bitterness/not stole
selfish

Hotel
Stole their booze while employed
social, security
suspicion bitterness/not stole
selfish, inconsiderate

Unknown women
Looked upon them
sex
fear/self-restraint
selfish and inconsiderate

Me. 37-40.
Booze and drugs. Damage physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Security: isolated comfort zone
Sex: anti-social, insecure
Social: paranoid behavior
jealousy: completely absent
suspicion: awareness of illegal activity
bitterness: dishonest relationships
desire to retaliate: treated like an addict, because I was an addict.
selfish: thought that I was the only one I was hurting
dishonest: denial in manageability
self seeking and frightened: no choices. hopelessness.
inconsiderate: self-abuse

[MajestyJo]

Thanks for sharing, I posted something similar on my old sites which are gone.

My favourite form is Blueprint to Progress from Al-Anon, confirmed by a lady in AA who had 24 years of sobriety at the time.

http://www.amazon.com/Blueprint-Prog.../dp/0910034427

My first one was done by the guidelines in the Big Book.

This may be under Step Four on the site.

STEP FOUR: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Step Four is our vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what these liabilities in each of us have been, and are. We want to find exactly how, when, and where our natural desires have warped us. We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves. By discovering what our emotional deformities are, we can move toward their correction."

c. 1952, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pages 42-43

One of the first things I was told to notice that it said fearless and until I could let go of the fear with a good Step Three, I wasn't ready to do a truly honest Step Four. If I wasn't entirely ready and willing, then I wouldn't be willing to do a thorough search. I was told to not look at the whole picture because it could be very overwhelming and daunting; and was told to break it down and start with a resentment sheet. They say resentments are the number one killer of alcoholics. I heard a long-timer say he thought that guilt was just as much of an offender as resentments; and that was true for me. Guilt kept me sick for a long time.

It wasn't until I was willing to bring everything from my past out of the darkness into the light and truly look at them honestly, that I was able to heal and move forward. I went on to do two more written Step Fours and verbal Steps every eighteen - twenty-four months in Counselling. I always thought that honesty was what I got first and that I was always honest, yet self-honest, true self-honesty was one of the most difficult things for me. I didn't want to face me. It was like I wanted to continue to be the martyr and the victim. By doing so, I wouldn't have to look at the people in my life and look at my decisions concerning them. It wasn't about other people, it was about me and I could no longer play the blame game.

This was a very freeing Step, especially when I followed it by a Fifth Step and released the burdens that I had been carrying for so long.

Originally posted @ groups.msn.com/StarChoices

posted in 2005