Recovery Thoughts and Questions

[MajestyJo]

Levels of consciousness

"The greatest discovery of my generation is that man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude of mind."

-- William James

Here is one perspective on levels of consciousness and some descriptive words to help us identify the differences:

Not conscious - instinctual, follower
Subconscious - habitual, robotic, reactive
Conscious - aware, intelligent, conceptual, reflective
Superconscious - intuitive, guiding, truthful, loving, universal



Reflect on how you typically move through your day. As we use our minds more consciously, we open up to the superconsciousness.

"Utilizing your conscious mind to direct the subconscious mind to enter into communication and harmony with the universal mind is the secret of personal power."

-- Delfin Knowledge System

We don’t change overnight. Personal growth requires persistence.

From Higher Awareness - used with permission

So many times I forget that I didn't get sick overnight, that I don't get well overnight. Recovery is not a quick fix. It is a process.

So much of my recovery, has been my conscious contact with my Higher Power. Developing a relationship that works. Not something that happens when I am needy or call on when I have been greedy and need to make an amend.

It is someone to call on preferrable, before the fact instead of after.

How many times I have heard, well I thought of you but did it anyway. I can remember saying to my spiritual advisor, "Picking up seemed to be the only option." He would reply, "There was another option." Instead of using, call on your Higher Power for the courage, strength and direction you need. Ask for the comfort, love and acceptance you need.

Change your attitude from, "I am not worthy" to "I am worthy of recovery and good things." Change my attitude from "I can do it alone" to "Higher Power, I need Your help."

Change my attitude about the people, places and things around me. The world is not out to get me. God doesn't test me. God leads and directs so that I may learn and grow to be a better person, not only for my sake, but His who made me. We are Co-Creators of our own Universe.

Have you changed your attitude enough to aid you in your recovery?

[MajestyJo]

You can never get to peace and inner security without first acknowledging all of the good things in your life. If you're forever wanting and longing for more without first appreciating things the way they are, you'll stay in discord."

-- Doc Childre and Howard Martin

Without finding some gratitude, will will always be in a place of anxiety. I can find no peace without accepting what is in the moment, acknowledge it and for me, thank my Higher Power for it. I don't believe He/She/It tests us, I think we test our HP. Part of that is not having the gratitude for what is given to us and as the reading says, "Always wanting more" and not being content with what is in the moment.

My disease is more. I learned it at a young age. It was always about the other person, never about me, I was not important enough.

It is okay to be me in today. I am grateful that the program gave me back my self. It is up to me to work the Steps and get my sense of self and be happy with who I am in today. The Steps help me to work toward a higher sense of self and well being and for that I am grateful.

Something I posted on another site in 2010

My sponsor always said a grateful alcoholic»addict, will never have a reason to pick up. Are you grateful?

[MajestyJo]

DAILT OM

Power, Beauty, And Warmth
Keeping The Sun Inside

Anyone who has endured a long, dark winter can attest to the power the sun has to both invigorate and relax body, mind, and soul. It can be daunting to begin the months of fall and winter, knowing that we may not see as much of the beautiful sun for quite some time. But it is important to remember that even during the darker days of fall and winter, the sun is still there shining, as beautiful as ever. Just because it is hidden behind clouds or setting early in our part of the world, does not mean that we cannot access its power, beauty, and warmth.

One way to do this is to find a warm spot in our house where we can sit or lie down in peace. Closing our eyes, we allow our breath to come and go easily, progressively lengthening each inhale and exhale until we feel very relaxed, peaceful, and warm. We imagine that it is a very warm summer day and that the sun is shining on us, allowing it to warm our body. In particular, we may feel as if a small sun has taken up residence in the area of our solar plexus or our heart. We do not need to think about which one too much and can simply trust our body to let us know where it is. Spend some time just experiencing this sensation, allowing the heat to radiate from inside your body.

If you live in a part of the world that loses a lot of light in the winter, you might want to do this exercise each night before retiring. You could also do it at the beginning of each day, giving yourself a chance to plug into that great source of energy. Keeping the sun inside of you when you are missing it on the outside is a way to say hello to the sun and let it warm your soul.

What do you think?

I call this centering. I do it before I go to bed at night. A form of meditaiton, letting go of all the stress, aches, pain, negativity, and balancing my chakras. Ask for what I need in healing and to be open to the good of what was sent to me in prayer. Asking for what is good for me, and to take away what is not. Asking for protection from anything that is harmful to my health and well being.

For me the Sun is healing. Light is all powerful. When I meditate and ask for the White Light to surround me and permeate my Soul and cleaning of all darkness.

May the White Light of Love and the Spirit of the Universe be with you and grant you the healing that has been given to me.

Posted in 2007

It may not sound like I receive much healing, I do one day at a time or I would not be here. I wouldn't be able to walk, think and do. I had migraines for 7 years and they are no more. I have five types of arthritis, some go into remission, and if it is a good day, they all don't come out and make themselves known all at the same time. I suffer from chronic pain, it is and I acknowledge it. It will never go away, but my God allows me to live with it one day at a time.

My God allows me to live instead of letting my pain rule my life.

Any day the sun shines is a good day. When it isn't shining, I turn on the lights. I use to burn candles but can't do that any more.

[MajestyJo]

Is it bad behaviours, bad habits, and/or addiction?

A good question! My first thought was they were behaviors that developed as a result of my addiction(s). My love for attention, for validation and approval, my people pleasing, my looking for someone to love me and willing to go to any length to receive that love. A lot stemmed from my need to get comfort or a high and what I needed to do to attain it and maintain it.

Behaviors can be changed. Behaviors can be modified. Behaviors can no longer stand me in good stead and have to be revised to fit my life in today. Behaviors are often as a result of my action to others, which becomes my issue not theirs.

Again, when I see the contol word, I think "if I have to control it, it is out of control." For me, the only way it can be controld is by surrendering it and asking my Higher Power for help. Control for me is an illusion. An example of this is me buying myself a treat. I tell myself I will have it a piece at a time. I have it a piece at a time but the problem is, it generally ends up being two pieces. As much as I give myself a talking to and tell myself I shouldn't eat it all at once or I shouldn't buy it at all, it ends up in my fridge. Until I find the willingness, to turn it completely over and ask my HP to take away the craving and the need, it isn't going to happen if I am truly honest with myself. I am telling tales on myself so perhaps, this will be the beginning of the first step on this matter.

I went today to check my Lottario ticket, I thought it was last night and it told me results were not available. The ticket is for tonight. A woman came to stand beside me and said, "I like those, I spend $20, sometimes I win but most times I lose." She was referring to Nevada Tickets. I told her that I allowed myself $3. and if I win I win, if I don't I don't. She said, "Lucky you!" There really isn't a difference, no matter what we spend, we still have the desire to buy. My $3. is a result of asking my Higher Power for help because they were out of control. I no longer buy every day and there are days that I can walk by them and not buy any, that in itself is a miracle from where I was before.

I choose not to spend any more than I can afford to lose.

Discipline: To discipline a child is to teach him how
to be well behaved; show him right from wrong; build
his self-confidence and his respect for others; and teach
him the self-control and self-discipline that can help him
grow into the sort of person you want him to be.

This went out the window as my addiction grew. I was brought up to be a lady and spent most of my life trying to prove I wasn't one. I hated it when the lady came out.

Addiction takes over the body, mind, and soul, and by the time I came into recovery, there was very little of me left. Every time I picked up, I gave away a piece of myself, and I was a void, and the person that came into recovery, is no more, thanks to the rooms of recovery.

Is it an addiction, a bad habit, a behaviour pattern, or all of the above?

Again, it isn't the substance that is the problem. An addiction is a mental obsession and an allergy to the body, mind and spirit, we do not metabolize or think the way, most people do. The chemical imbalance is different between different people, but it isn't the substance that causes it, I firmly believe a lot of it is in our genes and we are more often than not, products of our environment. We don't have to take on other people's stuff, but we often do without realizing it. Just another aspect of our dis-ease.

[MajestyJo]

When we decide to make changes in our life, it becomes a process. There are several stages we go through. 1) We become aware there is something wrong and we just may have an issue we need to address. 2) We share with a close friend, clergyman, counsellor, and/or family member our perception of the problem and allow others to give us feed back and direction. 3) We come to a place within ourselves which we acknowledge what is and make the decision to change and to find a solution instead of living in the problem. 4) We take action towards obtaining our goal, be it seeing a doctor, a counsellor, a recovery institute, a self-help group, a Twelve-Step program, who can guide us on our recovery. 5) We change our attitude and be willing to learn to listen and to do what is suggested to us to obtain our goal. Sometimes these last two stages are reversed and I have to ask for the willingness to be willing to change before I can take the steps towards making things better in my life.

The butterfly has been the symbol of change for me. When I come from a place of love from within myself, and through my Higher-Self, I can raise myself above any problem and live in a new solution.

[MajestyJo]

Do you remember where you came from? Have you got caught up in busy and life because it is so good, God has been very good to you? Have you asked yourself how come you have all this good stuff? Where did it come from and how come you got it? Have you paid it forward? Is your a/c paid in full?

I don't know about you, but what I got was priceless. I don't think I will ever live long enough to level my account, and get to a place where I think that I am debt free. One of the reasons is because I keep getting gifts. I still find myself saying thank you.

I thank those who carry the message of recovery to me. Each day is a new beginning, so have a great one. May it be the best day it can be. For this 24 hours. may you be clean and sober.

mj

Pocket Sponsor - Book - Quote

Having a God of our own under-standing does not mean we have to withhold saying 'God' around non-believers. People who try to get the word 'God' out of the Twelve Steps in order not to offend others, are missing the point. The point is, no one has to say 'God' in order to recover�it does not mean others can't call their Higher Power 'God.'

God is the answer. Now what is my problem?

"Walk Softly and Carry a Big Book" - Book

Today you are leading a life. When you were drinking, you were a life being led.

[MajestyJo]

What didn't you do today that you normally did as a part of your recovery routine in your first three months of recovery?

I am guilty of just about everything. I have talked to my sponsor. I did my prayer and meditation. I did not go to a meeting and I am late with my meditation readings and sharing with others.

[MajestyJo]

When the addict/alkie first finds 12-step recovery,
the wives and loved ones are filled with happiness.
Reality sets in when, it's suggested they make 90
meetings in 90 days and the staying sober, the steps
and meetings are the most important thing in the
addict/alkies life.

What about the family?


P.S. For those that want to read chapters 8 and 9
online,here is the link

www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Cycle of Sobriety

Once your loved is sober and in recover, you also
need to understand the Cycle of Sobriety and the
addict’s Sobriety Priority. This will help you to make
sense of the decisions which he or she takes in
everyday life.

Moreover, as recovery progresses, you will find a
"new" person emerging from the shell of addiction.
This may be a wonderful and longed for thing.
However, it can cause relational problems also, as
the person goes through changes, confusion, as
well as mood swings, which are part of recovery.

Possibly, you may find to your surprise that this
"new" person is not what you want or expected.
In a perverse, unconscious way, you may even feel
more secure with the « old » alcoholic/addict you
once knew. Unconsciously, you can contribute to
undermining the person’s recovery, if you are not
careful, or you may come to decide to separate from
him or her.

You will find that YOU also will begin to change as
you become free of a direct relationship with an
active alcoholic/addict. You can begin to change and
grow and find a « new » person within yourself, with
a clearer idea of your own needs and direction.

SOS will help you to understand better many of these
processes taking place in your loved one, yourself
and your relationship. This will arm you to deal and
cope with the wonderful, but often complex road of
recovery for YOU and your loved one.

This information was found at:

www.sosdallas.org/family_friends.htm

[MajestyJo]

An alcoholic/addict can not guarantee his/her sobriety. It is a one day at a time program. It is suggested that they do 90 meetings in 90 days, but that isn't the program. That is suggested to them, so they can find a home group and a sponsor. That is only the beginning, and recovery is a way of life.

Alcoholism and addiction is a disease. Whether you call it an allergy of the body and an obsessive/compulsive disorder, as I often say, I was at dis-ease within myself, always looking for some person, place, or thing outside of myself to make me feel better. Which means me, the alcoholic/addict's wife/husband, and friend, relative, lover, or co-worker, etc. receptive to this same dis-ease. If I look to this person to fulfill my needs when they can't help themselves, or I try to fix them and make them all better, especially when it makes me feel better to do it, then I just may have a few codependent issues and anxiety disorders if I can't live my life without someone else to do my living for me.

We tend to look at the alcoholic/addict, when in fact, many times, we are as sick if not sicker than they are.

So now they are sober, what now? What now? Give thanks? What do you do? Go to Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, perhaps, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), ACoA (Adult Children of Alcholics), or perhaps, just maybe you have a drinking and drug problem too, maybe you just use a different substance. Are you comparing instead of identifying?

I was a highly functional drunk, I could walk a straight line. I could stay on my own side of the road and not get pulled over. The cops followed me home and never pulled me over. People said they never said they never saw me drunk. They didn't know I was drunk until I opened my mouth and gave myself away!

I was so busy pointing the finger at my dad, my mother, my son, my uncles, my boss, and the list goes on, and on that I didn't have a finger left to point at me. I finally didn't have anyone left around me to point a finger at, and all I was left with was me and I had to face myself. It was not a pretty sight.

I went to AA for my denial. I went to NA for identification. I went to Al-Anon to find myself. I went to ACoA, and found gratitude that I didn't go there first, if I had gone there instead of AA, I probably would have stayed in my denial and died.

Let it begin with me.

They're sober! So am I!

[MajestyJo]

Alkiespeak - Book - Quote

If I was at your house, I'd ask to use the bathroom and I'd go through the medicine cabinet and take whatever's there. I don't need to know what it is. Sometimes I'd be up for days, saying the same thing over and over, chewing my tongue. Other times I'd be falling down, bouncing off the walls. Sometimes I'd get real 'regular'. And I probably took enough pills out of those wheels that there's no chance I'm going to get pregnant this century.

- Bob D.

We can all see the humor in this and in the many things we did, but how much is their to laugh about in some of the combos we took?

Drank with a friend one night and couldn't figure out how come I was drunk after only five rye and coca-cola. I had forgot to factor in how many pills and what kind of pills I had ingested during the day.

Some people didn't eat until they were finished their run. Me I ate because to my way of thinking I could drink more or use more.

Which just adds to the picture, the substance isn't the problem, it is but a symptom of our dis-ease. The problem was me and my thinking.

How many times we justified our condition by the number of hours we had slept, by the state of our emotions, by our emotions or that of our husband/family and/or co-workers and friends. Always with the "...they made me do it, if it hadn't been for them, I was alright until they came along, didn't have a problem until they...."

Well I never had that reaction before. We start talking about mixing food like we mix drinks, looking for any out, any excuse to give us an out not wanting to take the responsibility for our actions. Use to blame the cigarettes, now I don't drink coffee or smoke the cigarettes.

[MajestyJo]

Sick And Tired
"We wanted an easy way out.... When we did seek help we were only looking for the absence of pain."

Basic Text, p. 5


Sick and tired of being tired and sick! That is how I felt when I came into recovery. Unfortunately, this was how I felt a few weeks ago. I am glad that I have the program to help me to take steps to get out of a place I don't like being. The pain is always there. It is what I do with it and react to it that matters. I can make more healthy choices to take care of myself. I had gotten back into that "I don't care" attitude. I needed an attitude adjustment.

God answers knee-mail. I had to turn it over and I was directed to the health clinic. I started to get honest with me about my diet and habits and went to see my doctor about tests. I made the decision to be more active and to get involved in other things to get out of my pity party and depression.

Doing the Step Study has really helped me. It has helped me to get back and renew my relationship with myself and look at me in today. As the promises say, "We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it." That is very true. It shows me how far I have come and how far I have yet to go.

From 2009

Being sick and tired of being tired and sick is what brought me to recovery and what has kept me here. When I get into days like I had yesterday, I know it is time to go back to basics, which is generally, going back to reading old posts, doing meditation, and because I can't get out to meetings like I use to, God brings what I need into my space. Yesterday when I was out, he brought old and new friends into my path so that I got that conscious contact that I needed because, of myself I do not have the power to beat this disease.

I am so grateful for this site and the opportunity to share with you. Thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you.

I don't have to physically pick up, I just have to slip back into my old ways of thinking and my old attitudes and for me that is scary enough. I know that I am only an arms length away, and I don't want to be close enough to follow thought with action.

[MajestyJo]

From "Working with Others:

"Practical experience shows that nothing will
so much insure immunity from drinking as
intensive work with other alcoholics. It works
when other activities fail....You can help when
no one else can. You can secure their confidence
when others fail."

c. 2001, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89

We help others by helping ourselves. It has been my experience that even though someone may continue using the seed has been planted. I don't have the power to stop someone from using, all I can do is carry the message of recovery by sharing my experience, strength, and hope.

When I do that, I stay clean. By helping new people, I don't forget where I came from, what it was like, so that I can appreciate what I have in today and be grateful for the recovery that has been given so freely to me. In order to keep it, I must give it away. More importantly, I have to have it to give. You can't give away what you don't have.

I was told that I needed to top myself up and then give away the overflow.

I have also found that you can't help someone unless they are truly willing to get help. There are many who need this program, but it only works for those who want it and have a willingness to live it.

When I share or listen with a fellow alcoholic/addict, it is important to identify and not compare. We may not have used the same substance, but the feelings and the pain is the same. Whether I use alcohol, pills, men, relationships, food, work, gambling, etc. to fill my emptiness, it all leads to the same soul sickness.

Am I feeling empty? Do I feel like there is something missing from my life?

[MajestyJo]

Losing Energy - A List of Choices

accidents
addictions
allergies
anger
being controlled
being scattered
being unbalanced
being unfocused
boredom
broken boundaries
busyness
claustrophobia
compromise
conflicts
crisis
criticism
emotions
excessive self review
failure
fear
feeling threatened
feeling victimized
fights
guilt
having too many people around
high expectations
high humidity
high temperature
impatience
inertia
insults
jealousy
lack of sleep
lack of stimulation
laziness
lengthy meetings
life changes
long ‘To Do’ lists
loss of esteem
loud noise
low self worth
manipulation
medications
negative encounters
negative news
negative self talk
nosy people
not knowing
orgasms
over giving
overeating
overwork
pain
perfectionism
physical changes
poor diet
procrastination
resentment
sadness
shame
shyness
sickness
stress
tardiness
technology
unfinished business
unscheduled events
weather
worry

Things on this list were hard to break and overcome. The program gives me the tools to overcome them and recognize them for what they are. Being an addict, some is good more is better, made me stay stuck in a lot of areas or I found myself slipping back into old patterns and behaviors.

[MajestyJo]

December 18, 2014
Habitual Anger
Unblocking the Ally
by Madisyn Taylor

Anger can easily become our go-to emotion; to remedy, start noticing when and why you get angry.


Sometimes when we feel anger, it is coming from a deep place that demands acknowledgment and expression. At these times, it is important that we find healthy ways to honor our anger, remembering how dangerous it is to repress it. However, anger can also become a habit, our go-to emotion whenever things go wrong. Often this is because, for whatever reason, we feel more comfortable expressing anger than we do other emotions, like sadness. It can also be that getting angry gives us the impression that we’ve done something about our problem. In these cases, our habitual anger is inhibiting both our ability to express our other emotions and to take action in our lives.

If it’s true that anger is functioning this way in your life, the first thing you might want to try is to notice when you get angry. You might begin to see a pattern of some kind. For example, you could notice that it is always your first response or that it comes up a lot in one particular situation. If the pattern doesn’t become clear right away, you could try keeping a journal about when you get angry and see if you can find any underlying meaning. The good thing about keeping a journal is that you can explore your anger more deeply in it—from examining who in your family of origin expressed a lot of anger to how you feel when you encounter anger in others. This kind of awareness can be a formidable agent of transformation.

Anger can be a powerful ally, since it is filled with energy that we can harness and use to create change in the world. It is one of the most cathartic emotions, and it can also be a very effective cleanser of the emotional system. However, when it becomes a habit, it actually loses its power to transform and becomes an obstacle to growth. Identifying the role anger plays in your life and restoring it to its proper function can bring new energy and expansiveness to your emotional life.

For an alcoholic/addict, anger justified or not, it isn't healthy, especially if held onto, yet as it is express here, it shows us how to channel it. We need to deal with it and express it in healthy ways. It is an emotion like all others, and a normal one, and one that I internalized, while others acted out on, which generally ended up in jails, institutions and death.

I needed to find healthy ways to let it go. By walking, sharing it with others, journaling, at the suggestion of a counsellor, taking a plastic bat and hitting a pillow, talking to my sponsor, counselor, mentor, and taking it to my God and asking for healing.

Under my anger was a lot of resentment, rejection, abandonment, and unnamed emotions that I hadn't allowed myself to feel because of my continued substance abuse. Not just alcohol and drugs, but work, food, relationships, and in recovery, getting involved in service and not taking the time to work and look at myself and my own issues. Mine didn't seem important, forgetting my stuff was traumatic to me, and not allowing myself time to heal. I pooh hood it all away, because everyone seemed to be worse off or I just didn't want to look at it. As they say, we are only as sick as our secrets. I stayed sick. I stayed angry. When I quit smoking at seven years sober, it was like I was a newcomer.

Each day I have to work on my emotional sobriety.

[MajestyJo]

Just watched a power point presentation and it said, "Make peace with your past so it won't screw up your present."

It was important to look at my past, acknowledge it in order to let it go.

They say, "What brings you to the door of recovery will take you back out if you don't deal with it." I have found this to be oh so true.

Some people say to forget it, that it is the past and this is the present. It is important to live in today, to live in the moment. What I needed to realize was that often my actions and thoughts of today are often a result of my past. When my past affects my today, I need to look to see if it needs changing.

For the most part, actions and thoughts prior to recovery are not contusive to serenity and peace in sobriety.

I tried to control my past. When I have to control it, it is already out of control. That control I had to turn over to my Higher Power.

When I was/or am needy, I got/get greedy and my drug of choice was/or is more. Even though I don't use the drugs of my past, I can often substitute things that seem to be healthier, and yet they all lead to the same soul sickness and can take me back to my drug of choice. i.e. food, work, computer, TV, etc.

It is so important to live in today, live in the moment. I can't, God can, Just for today, I choose to let Him.

September 2010

What I didn't realize was that because of my using, I didn't properly grieve my past and didn't process things and didn't really know how to let them go. They say you have to feel something to let it go. How can you feel a feeling if you didn't know you felt it in the first place?

Our body remembers, our subconscious does, and there are a lot of hurts and feelings attached to many of our scars that go unnamed.

So much of my life was tuned out, numbed out, shut down, shut off, and it took a long time for me to thaw; and I even had to give myself permission to feel, let alone identify what I was feeling.

Was it was felt, then I could make peace with it. In order to do that, I had to accept it for what it was. The five As of change, becoming aware, admit, accept, action, and my attitude toward those feelings.