Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - December

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December 1

We Are Never Alone

Ever since we were children, abandonment has been a source of anxiety. Psychologists state that repressed feelings continue to affect our emotions and influence our behavior. A theologian who experienced depression wrote that in his darkest moments, he was comforted by the verse: If I rise to the heavens, You are there, and if I descend into the depths, You are there too. - Psalms 139:8. While God is always with us, it is even more comforting when we can think, I have always been with Him, so why should He not be with me now? We can live a life that banishes terror of abandonment forever.

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December 2

Growth Through Adversity

A young professional woman with several years of sobriety was treated very shabbily in her application for a position because of her history of addiction. She stated, I really don't have any resentments against this person, because he did me a great favor. I've survived this ordeal, and the next one I encounter will be just a piece of pie. Adversities are not pleasant, but life is full of them. We cannot escape them, and we need strength to cope effectively. We need not love people who have mistreated us, but surviving one ordeal strengthens us and prepares us for the difficulties that are inevitable in life.

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December 3

It's More Than Just Self-Help

Tom reluctantly admitted his alcoholism. His attendance at AA was infrequent and perfunctory. A young man asked, Are you with AA? I just got out of detox and they told me to go to a meeting and get a sponsor. The young man appeared so needy that Tom offered to sponsor him. He decided to get to know what AA is all about in order to help the young man. On his 15th anniversary of sobriety, he said, I am dry 15 years, but sober only 12. It wasn't until I entered AA that I became sober, and I owe it all to that kid. Try helping someone. It works.

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December 4

No One Is Turned Away

AA and NA meeting rooms are homes from which no addict is ever turned away. A man visited Spain on business. He had been told that missing meetings was risky for relapse. Wishing to maintain his precious sobriety, he attended a Spanish meeting. I was welcomed with handshakes and hugs. I sat through the meeting without understanding a single word, but it was okay because I knew exactly what they were saying. Recovering people have homes and friends all over the world, and understand more languages -- as long as the subject being discussed is recovery from addiction.

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December 5

The Difference Between Self-Knowledge and Self-Absorption

Preoccupation with ourselves can become an obsession, in which our personal desires are all that matter. The addictive attitude is, I've got to have what I want when I want it, and the rest of the world be damned. Elimination of character defects, making amends, and attainment of humility in recovery are the antithesis of self-centeredness. Participation in the program, sharing, and helping others in sobriety help prevent obsession with ourselves. Solitary recovery runs the risk of self-centered abstinence.

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December 6

Finding the Right Approach

We must have serenity in order to be courageous. If we approach a challenge with serenity, we can see things in proper perspective, come to a correct decision, and act constructively. If we approach the same challenge with intense anxiety, our perception, thought, and action are all distorted, and we are virtually certain to fail. Sometimes we benefit from the wisdom and experience of others with a solution. At the very least, describing the problem to others can help us discover factors of which we had been unaware. With the proper perspective, we can find the courage to act.

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December 7

Building Character

We do not tolerate incompatibility in character traits. Greed, envy, selfishness, lying, arrogance, and vanity are mutually compatible. Kindness, truth, humility, consideration, and benevolence are mutually compatible. But elements in the first group are incompatible with elements in the second. Active addiction is characterized by traits of the first group. If we maintain sobriety, the movement can be in only one direction, making character traits compatible with a virtuous one. Thus, defects are eventually eliminated, replaced by positive traits. We need only to make a beginning, and the rest will follow.

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December 8

May I Never Forget

Twelve Promises or Rewards of sobriety include: freedom instead of addictive enslavement; serenity instead of anxiety; love of people instead of fear of people; pride instead of self-pity; and so on. A recovering person said, The worst day in sobriety is far better than the best day in addiction. The problem is that we may forget the horror of active addiction. Helping newcomers in recovery remind us of the many distresses addiction produces. While people prefer to forget unpleasant experiences, it is not uncommon to hear people in recovery pray, May I never forget.

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December 9

Straight Talk

The recovery program emphasizes that honesty is either rigorous or it is not honesty at all. Almost true is a lie. People who are not recovering from addiction or codependency may think they are avoiding harm to others, so this type of honesty might be condoned. But this does not hold true for people in recovery. A violation of self-honesty is at the root of much addictive or codependent behavior. Unless we become rigorously honest, eliminating all half-truths, recovery is incomplete. Straight talk is simple. Dishonesty is complex. Recovery requires keeping it simple, which means being rigorously honest.

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December 10

We Create Our Own Punishment

In the process of teaching children about God, it is either explicitly stated or implied that God operates the way parents do. We grow up thinking that God wields a huge club, waiting to pounce on us if we misbehave. However, in addiction we learn that no one need punish us for abusing chemicals. Chemicals carry more painful consequences than anyone could think of. When we recover, we can apply this valuable lesson to everything else in life. We understand it is not God who punishes us, but that we precipitate our own punishment when we behave improperly.

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December 11

People-Pleasing

During active addiction we become angry with ourselves for not taking a firm stand on our own behalf and for letting others take advantage of us; we also develop resentments toward others. It's almost a sure thing that this combination of anger and resentment toward others will result in chemical use. Maybe if we thought better of ourselves and felt we were likable, we wouldn't need to buy friendship. People will like us even if we are sometimes unable to comply with their requests. Sobriety can help us develop the self-awareness that allows us to better appreciate ourselves, and to know that others do also.

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December 12

True Happiness Requires a Lifetime Commitment

Perseverance is a rather unpopular concept in the modern world. Science has provided technologies. What about our lives, happiness, self-fulfillment? Are these comparable to technological miracles, or more akin to artistic masterpieces? Can a machine produce them or do they require perseverance? Addicts have tried to achieve happiness with alcohol and self-fulfillment with marijuana or LSD. The consensus is these do not work, and human goals belong with the great works that require perseverance. Perhaps people need to consider their lives to be great works.

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December 13

A Life Without Goals is an Empty Chaos

A path of life that is merely self-gratifying is not a path at all. If we seek only self-gratification, we are essentially living a chaotic life, attracted by whatever is available and repelled by obstacles. We are not following a path. This often happens in addiction because the chemical dictates where we go. People who have a goal or follow a path in life cannot relate to the chaotic movement of the addict. He guides me in straight paths. - Psalms 23:3. A straight path is by far preferable, but even a winding path can lead somewhere. It is having no path that is intolerable.

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December 14

Our Egos Can Get in the Way

Humility depends on just being human. Recovery works for people, not for doctors or lawyers or professors or executives. When people shed their professional identity and are just human beings, the ego moves out of the way, and humility, the necessary ingredient for recovery, appears. We do not need a title to have an ego. When we realize addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer and can affect us equally, then we share our humanity with other people and can achieve humility. We allow ourselves to be helped.

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December 15

Real Growth Takes Time and Effort

A recovering woman stated on her fourth anniversary, It has taken me four years to finally feel good about myself. Although it was not until after four years that she became aware she was a good person, it is absurd to think that nothing had occurred during that time. We may not see or feel progress in our personality development until a certain point, but it is happening. The reassurance of people who have been there can make the waiting period tolerable. As long as we abstain from chemicals and work the Steps, real growth is constantly occurring.