Detachment

[MajestyJo]

Sunday, February 16, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Detachment

The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us. When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes? When are we doing too little? When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves? What is our responsibility, and what isn't?

These issues can challenge us whether we've been in recovery ten days or ten years. Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to others or ourselves. Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.

There is no rulebook. But we don't have to make ourselves crazy; we don't have to be so afraid. We don't have to do recovery perfectly. If it feels like we need to do a particular action, we can do it. If no action feels timely or inspired, don't act on it.

Having and setting healthy limits - healthy boundaries - isn't a tidy process. We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, to grow.

We can talk to people, ask questions, and question ourselves. If there's something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent. Lessons don't go away. If we're not taking care of ourselves enough, well see that. If we are being too controlling, we'll grow to understand that too.

Things will work out. The way will become clear.

Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of the rest. I will strive for the balance between self-responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.

[MajestyJo]

“Think for yourself and let others have the privilege of
doing so too.” From: Courage to Change

The thing I find the most rewarding about detachment, it doesn't mean I no longer love my addict, I do it because I do love him. He makes his choices. He is the one who told me, You are looking at the disease not me Mom. I am reminded that it is the detachment from the disease not the person behind it. I don't enable. I set boundaries. Often, have to reset and re-affirm them.

Detachment for me is living my life and using the slogan, Live and Let Live. The key word is living my life and not living my life through the addict. Not putting my life on hold waiting for them to come to a decision to help themselves.

[MajestyJo]

If I pause for a moment before focusing on someone else's mood, I may find out that I have feelings of my own that deserve attention. I will look for those moments to check in with myself today.

"We let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.

--Detachment

This is so true when it comes to my son. Sometimes when he is around, I have to realize that I am picking up on his feelings and have to cast them off, and change the energy around me.

People are not always aware that they project their 'stuff' onto others, and we have to recognize it for what it is. We don't have to take it on, we don't have to feed into it, and we can detach, and allow them to wallow in their own misery.

[MajestyJo]

From: Courage to Change

I used to spend a good portion of my life trying to convince
my addicted loved ones that they needed to live their lives
according to how I believed they should be living it. That
they should view life through my eyes or my vision for them...

So important to remember that I am not their 'god' and they also have freedom of choice.

[MajestyJo]

Detachment doesn't mean we don't love. We do it because we do love them. We are also loving and caring for ourselves. If we can't respect ourselves, how can we expect others to respect us.

[MajestyJo]

One of the greatest gifts of recovery. I picked up a pamphlet today at my Al-Anon group to remind me.

Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people

Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery

Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit

Not to cover up for another's mistakes or misdeeds

Not to create a crisis

Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.

By learning to focus on ourselves, our attitudes and well-being improve. we allow the alcoholics in our lives to experience the consequences of their own actions.

Needed to be reminded of this. It is easy to know we need to detach, but we need to know what we need to detach from and how to detach.

[MajestyJo]

More Language Of Letting Go

Say what’s up today

What’s up?

I don’t mean the events. You most likely are extremely aware fo the events taking place– or not occurring– in your life. What’s up emotionally?

Do you feel anxious, scared, ambivalent, wishy-washy, or fiercely determined? Do you feel clever, powerful, blissful, curious, or relieved?

There are many shades and colors, nuances of emotions. Some emotions get our attention quickly. They clearly present themselves and we immediately name them and claim them as ours. Sometimes the feelings are not that easy to identify. Those are usually the ones we need to pay the most attention to; those are often the ones that can be controlling our lives.

An important idea to remember about feelings is that they are just emotional energy and we’re allowed to feel however we feel. There’s no right and wrong about emotions; the names are just words we use to identify that particular emotional energy burst.

There’s another way we can feel, another space we’re each entitled to. That space is called “centered,balanced, and clear.” When we identify, feel, and release whatever feeling is up each day, we’ll easily and naturally return to that quiet, peaceful, centered place.

Sometimes, if the emotional burst is big– of the volcanic size– it might take a few days or a week to return to that clear, centered place. Other times, just an acknowledging nod in the direction of the emotion that’s up is all we need to do.

Don’t resist. Give in. Give in all the way to what and how you feel. Then just let that feeling float away. The more you give in to whatever you’re feeling, the less it will hurt and the more quickly it’ll disappear. The more specific you can be about the event or person that’s triggering the emotion, the more you’ll help yourself slide gracefully through the emotional burst.

Mastering your emotions means taking responsibility for how you feel. Feelings are important, but remember, they’re just feelings,too. Don’t let them define reality, control your life, or color your world. Mastering your emotions means clearing out your emotions so you can live, move, love, work, and play from that peaceful, centered place.

Take a moment today and each day of your life.

As yourself, “What’s up?”

God, help me become fluent with my emotions. Help me learn to feel whatever I feel, then regularly restore myself to that centered, balanced, place.