Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - February

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February 1

The True Path to Recovery

Suppose someone who has found the correct path calls out to you, No! Don't take that path, it goes nowhere. I will direct you to the right one. It would be foolish to ignore this advice and proceed with a trial-and-error method. Recovery from chemical dependency is much like a complicated maze. A person who fails to achieve sobriety may repeat the same mistake many times. There are people who have discovered how to achieve sobriety. They can tell us which ways are ineffective and which ways work. It is most foolish to reject the proven wisdom of experience.

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February 2

Overcome Distorted Thinking

A woman addicted to prescription drugs became dysfunctional, yet thought she was unable to afford treatment because of inadequate insurance coverage. I told her there was a fund for interest-free loans, which she could repay with money she would save by discontinuing drugs. The woman considered it a kindness to her husband that she not avail herself of the loan. She could not see that remaining addicted, dysfunctional, and spending $400 a month on drugs was far from a kindness. We need the help of competent therapists and people with long sobriety to help us avoid the pitfalls of faulty judgments.

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February 3

Gratitude

People may have difficulty accepting gratitude from others. Sometimes we thank a person, and the response is, Don't mention it. People may want to minimize what they've done. However, that may be taken as a rejection of gratitude. It would be better to say, I'm glad I could be of help. When a person does not express gratitude immediately, we may build up resentment. When someone excuses himself for not having thanked you earlier, you might say, I never doubted your appreciation. I understand that can happen. It has happened to me more than once. You will thus be both considerate and truthful.

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February 4

Time Takes Time

One recovering woman wrote: It has taken me four years to feel good about myself, to feel I have something to offer others. Although this woman did not perceive any changes in the first two years, she did attend meetings and did not drink. Her perception is it took four years to overcome her unwarranted negative feelings, but some things cannot be hurried. It is unrealistic to expect feelings of inadequacy that you've held for decades to disappear in just a few months. This young woman's message emphasizes that time takes time. We must have patience in recovery.

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February 5

Learn to Ask For Help

There is a time when accepting gifts is appropriate. A recovering woman wrote: I swallowed my pride and asked my Dad to help me buy a car. It is the symbol of my recovery. I believe Dad and Mom were pleased I finally asked for their help. During active addiction there may be enabling that is destructive. When this woman recovered, it was then appropriate for her parents to help her. As she developed better self-esteem in recovery, she was able to accept her parents' gifts. Constructive help during recovery should not be rejected. There is no need to be deprived unnecessarily.

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February 6

The Lessons of Recovery

Children who grew up with an addicted parent sometimes develop character traits that cause problems in adjusting to life. During addiction we make believe harsh parts of life don't exist. In recovery we learn to deal even with unpleasant things. If our past behavior adversely affected the people we love, we must deal with that. Recovering addicts send a powerful message to their children -- one of courage to overcome ravages of addiction. If a child learns there is no giving up, that with hope, trust, and faith there is a chance for happiness, this is a valuable lesson.

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February 7

Don't Set Yourself Up For Failure

A person involved in a business venture or a relationship may believe she will fail and be accused of being inadequate. In order to avoid being blamed, she involves someone else in such a way that, if she fails, the other person will get the blame. Recovering people sometimes set themselves up so they can blame others for disappointments. They fail to see they designed things to result in failure. But by consistently working on the recovery program, and with good sponsorship and competent counseling, you can prevent setting yourself up for failure.

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February 8

How to Take a Compliment

Why should a pleasant comment be rejected? Addicts may be irritated by compliments, and behave in a manner that elicits negative comments. We must recognize how eliciting negativity has become an established pattern, and how recovery can result in positive remarks. People in early recovery may avoid contact with those who give compliments, and may thus lose the support of the people they need the most. Bear this in mind when relating to people in early recovery, as well as while you are recovering yourself. During that period of adaptation, patience on everyone's part is essential.

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February 9

Live in the Present

Almost every alcoholic I know has been remorseful following drinking, and has vowed never to drink again, but does it anyway. A wise man can see the present. Preoccupation with the future is an escape from the present. We can make plans and resolutions, and fantasize to our heart's content. That's what I'll quit tomorrow is all about. It is the difficult present that requires so much effort. The demands of the present are real, and any sacrifices must be made now. The program reminds us that we must deal with today -- the only day we can really do something about.

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February 10

Setback or Opportunity?

A wise man said, Whenever you fall, try to pick something up. The common reaction to a fall is to express anger, get up, and brush oneself off. This may be a missed opportunity. People can have numerous kinds of falls: a broken relationship, business failure, illness, disappointment, a slip in sobriety. Do not be so preoccupied with your own bitterness that you miss the opportunity to identify with others. Of course you must get up and continue on your way. Before you do so, look around. The fall may have had a purpose: there may be someone whom you can now help.

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February 11

Pray Every Day

A verse in the Book of Proverbs states: All the days of the poor are wretched, but if he has a good heart, his meal is always festive. The person who must look to God for her daily bread is a constant beneficiary of God's bounty. When our existence depends on praying for each day of sobriety, it is the highest compliment we can receive. If we must call upon God every day, that means He wishes to hear us every day. Being in a program that teaches us to live one day at a time, and that we are dependent upon God every day, is a blessing.

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February 12

Find Your Inner Voice

In recovery, we should be guided by our inner voice. But what about the inner voice that used to say, One drink won't hurt you. How are we to distinguish between this destructive voice and the wise inner voice? An urge is when you feel a tug, that you are being drawn to something: take just one drink or just one hit of cocaine. The inner voice says, Don't be stupid. Every time you've done that in the past it was disastrous. The urge is your addiction talking to you. The way to overcome the urge is to hear the message of the inner voice.

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February 13

The Miracle of Recovery

Sobriety is indeed a miracle. It is remarkable people can give up the chemicals that have been the only thing that made life tolerable for them. When people join the Twelve Step fellowship, they meet people for whom life without chemicals is actually enjoyable. The fact that they trust in someone to be willing to give up chemicals is miraculous. When we work with people who are in early recovery, we are asking them to trust us and accept our assurance that life without chemicals is livable. We must behave in a manner to deserve that trust. This not only helps them but also makes us better people.

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February 14

Celebrating Sobriety

One recovering person celebrated his 17th anniversary by taking a trip to the Holy Land. He wrote: I am at peace with myself. How different it is from that morning 17 years ago. My life, then devoid of hope, was forever changed. Since that day it has been my special privilege to stand on the path of many headed into the gates of insanity and hell, and show a sign that they need not go this way, but with the radiance of God's love to their back, turn and walk with God's will to a new life. I am free at last, sober and filled with the joy of life.

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February 15

Paranoia

Sometimes we misinterpret other's actions. Suppose as you enter a room, someone walks out. He may be leaving to make a call. But you may think, He is leaving because he does not like me. We may be so self-conscious, so sensitive, and perhaps so expecting of criticism or rejection that we read intentions into other's behavior. Because our thinking may be skewed by groundless feelings, we would be wise to check our interpretations with someone else. We might realize we have created monsters where none exist. We can rid ourselves of unnecessary misery, and remove obstacles that can undermine friendly relationships.