Control

[MajestyJo]

My experience has been that Twelve Steps are Twelve Steps. It is always better to go somewhere that you can identify more readily with what is being shared, yet no matter what the substance is, if it is out of control, it is already a problem. I went to a friend's one year anniversary in CA and the speaker was a girl who only used cocaine and never drank alcohol. I never used cocaine and I am a recovering alcoholic. She told my story and my recovery so well that my ex-boyfriend who was with me at the time, recognized my words coming from her.

As I once heard at a meeting, "If you have to control it, it is already out of control."

By posting here, I would say you have taken the first Step. The five As to change are Awareness, Admittance, Acceptance, Action and Attitude. The Big Book says that Spirituality is a change in attitude sufficient to bring about recovery.

Of ourselves, we can't do it. Together, we can do what I can't do alone. Try to read the posts, and try to identify not compare. All substances lead to the same soul sickness. Knowing what to do, and having the power to do it is the difference between normal and healthy eating and addiction.

When I tried to quit alcohol at 41, I substituted prescription drugs. I could quit drinking, but I couldn't stay quit. In the end, I had problems with both and along the way I discovered other addictions like work, food, gambling, computers and other things that took me back to places I didn't like to be. With the help of the program, I am able to see when I am acting out in my disease, and I can turn to the God of my understanding and ask for help.

It works if I work it. Just reading about it and knowing is not enough, I must come to a place of acceptance and follow it up with a plan of action.

My eating disorder doesn't allow me to eat. I eat so much and then I can't eat anymore. I can't finish what is on my plate. For some to eat is to die. For some, to not eat is to die. It takes many forms of sickness, and not all the same habits and patterns, but again it is a mental, emotional, spiritual and physical disease.

Something I wrote in 2004

[MajestyJo]

Over the years I have used many substances to stuff feelings and food was one of them. I have used it to stop me from using my drug of choice (inhaling Kentucky Fried Chicken instead of taking a bus down to the area I had to go, where I knew I would be tempted to use). I have not wanted to feel the feelings I was going through and realized that I was reaching for a third plate of stew. Like where did the first one go, and how come I had a second, normally one is plenty.

I wouldn't cook dinner, because I always cook extra for an extra meal for tomorrow only tomorrow doesn't always come.

I have fibromyalgia and a lot of foods I am not suppose to have, but when feelings, pain and other things that I want to stuff and escape, then it doesn't matter whether it is 'good' for me or not. Going to Timmy's is a sure way to put myself in a place for a 'sugar' fix. Seldom can I go for a 'coffee' without having the donut to go with it. I stopped drinking coffee when I quit smoking. The two seemed to go together. Without the cigarette, there was no need for the coffee.

Cigarettes were the biggest stuffers. I don't want to eat, I will get fat. Light up a cigarette! I don't care if I ate two hours ago, I am hungry. I want to eat. Do I eat or do I pick up a cigarette? If I eat do I eat healthy or do I eat what I 'like' to eat. One of my comfort foods is garlic mashed potaotes. Some is good, more is better, especially when I cover them with 'real' butter and gravy. Who ever heard of potatoes without either or both?

For me, it is often a thinking problem. I have enough recovery to know the signs when I am acting out in my disease of addiction, whether it is food, work (computers in today), people, places (often my bed to hide from the world), and things (the phone, games on line, etc.) For me it is about me getting honest with me. It is about me getting up in the morning, living my day and going to bed at night. Giving thanks for another day clean. For me it is about what I need to do to live my life happy, joyous and free from active addiction. For me that means all things, and yes I can have a donut once in a while, but I have to examine my motive and intent behind it. I can have an afternoon sleep if I am truly fatigued and I am not lying down because I just finished stuffing my face. I can go to the casino and spend $20. as long as it isn't my grocery money and money that I will have to borrow before my next pay check. I can sit on my computer and post, write, and play games as long as it doesn't prevent me from getting up and meeting my responsibilities tomorrow. (i.e. meeting sponsees, friends and going to appointments)

Like all addictions, it isn't the substance. It is my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health and well being. It is the thought behind the action. The motive behind the action. It is playing the tape to the end. What is the cost? What is the cause and effect? Am I being honest, with myself and others?

Written in 2004

[MajestyJo]

There are many forms of eating disorders. Some of them are just habits of unhealthy eating and lack of self-care.

I have heard several stories and one of them is that to eat one meal a day is one of the unhealthiest things we can do to our bodies. It doesn't give us the energy we need to function through the day. My ex-boyfriend only ate one meal about 4 p.m. when I met him and he started work at 5 a.m. and lived on coffee through the day. After he ate, all he could do was lie down and sleep. Then he started eating lunch, but he had the old habits and he ate after work between one and two stuffing himself, then eating again later in the day, and all he wanted was to sleep, He didn't work off the food, didn't metabolize it properly, and he ate two helping and three if it was available. At the end of the day a bed time snack was a bag of cookies and a huge bowl of ice cream or a bag of chips and a couple of sandwiches.

I firmly believe I am what I put into my body. I put on weight cooking for him yet I only ate about a third of what he ate. There are people like my son who can eat huge amounts of food and never gain an ounce. I swear I get fat just looking at what he eats.

Today I try to eat balanced meals and eat three times a day. Very seldom do I eat in between meals, and I think the quantity has a lot to do with it. Eating until I am stuffed and can't move just because I like it or want more isn't something I can allow myself on a daily basis. This is what I take to God. I can't, God can and I have to let Him on a daily basis.

My problem is that I don't want to eat. I know that when I don't put food and healthy food into my body, my body bloats and I develop stomach disorders, activate my irritable bowel and bladder disorder from my fibromyalgia and I get a lot of pain. My mother died at the age of 40 weighing 240 lbs. For me to gain weight is to live in fear and anxiety which causes more pain and more reason to stuff. It affects my self-esteem and self-worth and I go into depression because I don't like myself. If I put on weight, it affects the rest of my body and causes breathing problems, back aches carrying the excess weight along with anger at myself and others and that also cause body irritation. Even my feet and legs are affected, especially if I don't get a lot of exercise. It is a vicious circle and affects all parts of my body. I will put so much on my plate and if some of what I am eating I think of as 'fattening' I can't eat what is on my place. Pasta for some reason is something I can never finish and generally end up throw some of it out. It can be only a few pieces, but I feel like if I eat it, I will upchuck and lose everything that I have eaten.

I have to give myself permission to eat.
I have to allow myself certain portions of food.
I have to balance healthy food and exercise.
I have to take things to God on a daily basis, it is so easy for me to substitute food for others things, especially when I am in an emotional state.

Cutting back on the quantity of food shrinks the stomach. My aunt use to use a smaller plate and would only eat what fit on that plate. It does work when you work it.

I am sure many of us can identify with the mental obsession and the craving for more. I always need to remember that I can not trigger a craving until I pick up and 'use'; food is an inanimate object until such a time as I choose to pick it up and put it in my mouth. Picking it up and looking at it, taking it out of the refrigerator, putting it on the stove and cooking it still doesn't make me 'eat' it. It is only when I eat it that it affects me. The mental obsession I take to God. The mindless thought I try to acknowledge and let go of it instead of giving into it. God can, I can't, just for today, I will let Him give me the strength, the courage, and the integrity to do what I need for my health and well being.