Insecurities

[MajestyJo]

Insecurity is:

Feeling of not being ``good enough'' to meet the challenge of a
situation you face in life.

Sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict, or concerns.

Belief that one is inadequate or incompetent to handle life's
challenges.

Fear of being discovered as inadequate, ill fitted, or unsuited to
meet responsibilities at home, school, or on the job.

Sense of not fitting in, being ``out of synch'' with those in your
peer group.

Perception that life is unpredictable with most of the expectations
you have to meet not clearly understood.

Sense of always climbing up a mountain, never being able to reach the
top.

Sense of lacking support or reinforcement where you live, work, or
play.

Results from a sense of being unaccepted, disapproved, or rejected.

Inner turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to
where you are going, what your goals are, and what responses are
appropriate for events in life.

Why are people insecure?

Insecure people may have:

Been raised in a chaotic, unpredictable, or volatile environment in
which they were kept off balance, on guard, or on edge.

Experienced a major tragedy or loss in their lives and are having a
difficult time in accepting this loss and adjusting to the ``change.''

Experienced a major ``failure'' in life (e.g., divorce, losing a job,
bankruptcy, failure in school, losing a friend, lack of acceptance
into social or civic groups, etc.) that led them to question their
personal competency.

A poorly developed self-concept with low self-esteem, lacking belief
in their personal goodness, skills, or abilities.

Never felt accepted by the ``others'' in their life, so much so that
they became chronically shy, retiring, and withdrawn in their
interactions.

Had an unrealistic list of rules and expectations prescribed by
significant others in their life, rules they are striving to meet
even in their current life.

A poor body image, making them believe that others see them in a
negative light. This makes them self-conscious, tense, and anxious in
dealing with others.

Never received enough positive reinforcement or feedback from others
about their talents and abilities, leaving them unclear as to their
skills.

Been given very little direction, guidance, or discipline in their
earlier lives leaving them unable to cope with the current pressures
of life.

Always felt overshadowed or overlooked due to the people in their
lives who seemed to be more successful, smarter, prettier, more
handsome, more athletic, higher achievers, getting much attention.
This can foster doubt in an insecure person's ability to gain
recognition for their successes, and can make them doubt their
ability to achieve success.

What do chronically insecure people believe?

I can never accomplish the task facing me!

Everybody is looking at me, just waiting for me to make a fool of
myself!

I am a failure!

I am ugly and awful to look at!

I can never win. I am a loser.

What is the sense of trying, I'll never get it right!

No matter how hard I work to achieve, I never get any recognition!

I am incompetent in everything.

How could anybody ever say anything good about me?

I failed them in the past; therefore, I am a failure today!

Once a failure, always a failure!

There is only one direction for me to go in this organization and
that is down and out!

No one could ever like, respect, or accept me!

I don't deserve to be treated nicely!

I don't fit in here or anywhere else for that matter!

Everyone else looks so good, so together; I feel so out of it
compared to them!

I am an incomplete person and will always be that way!

I am so afraid that no one will like me!

Why would anyone care to hear what I say, how I feel, or what I think?

People are just nice to you in order to use you and get something
they want from you!

What are some negative effects of insecurity?

People who are insecure can:

Have difficulties in establishing healthy, long-lasting relationships.

Be perceived incorrectly by others as being snobbish or uppity;
therefore, they are avoided due to the others' misperceptions.

Become victims of fears that impair their freedom of action or choice.

Be candidates for paranoia feeling "others'' are out to get them.

Scare others away from them by their defensive attitude.

Be over-controlled emotionally, having problems letting others in on
their emotions.

This can lead others to guess what is going on until the passivity of
the insecure person leads to an over-reaction by the others,
resulting in conflict or rejection.

Have problems on the job or in school when they have the knowledge,
skills and abilities to do a task efficiently but are told to do it
in a different, less effective manner. They get so uptight about the
job and are fearful of standing up for what they believe that they
get angry, hostile, and resentful until they either quit or succeed
in submerging their emotions.

Get passed over for promotions, advances, or honors because they are
so quiet about what it is they do. This leads the insecure persons to
feel more unaccepted, unappreciated, and under-valued.

Have problems meeting people and often can become debilitated
socially by chronic shyness.

Become so inward that they seek to escape into their fantasy life
rather than deal with the reality of their lives.

How can insecurity be overcome?

In order to overcome insecurity, people need to:

Be willing to be put in vulnerable positions in life where they might
get hurt.

Take risks to change their current behavior.

Trust others enough to expose themselves to them, risking
vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt.

Have a healthy and humorous belief in themselves in order to overlook
their exaggerated need for acceptance and approval.



Take a rational approach to each problem they face so that they are
no longer inhibited by debilitating fears or beliefs.



Practice assertive behavior in their lives, earning respect and the
acknowledgment of their rights.



Arouse the courage to take small steps in learning to experience
success and overcoming their lack of belief in self. Once the success
is experienced, they can build on it to gain the courage to act out
of a strong conviction in their self-goodness and worth.



Break the barrier or outer shell of the self-doubt they have hidden
behind and reach out to others. Breaking out of their ``shells''
requires letting go of past hurts (real or imagined) and moving on
with life.



Open themselves to the possibility of success and accomplishment.
Visualize or make a prophecy of winning at life so their energies are
focused in a growth direction.

Reward themselves for who they are and capitalize on their strengths,
attributes, skills, and competencies.

[MajestyJo]

What steps can people take to handle insecurity?

Step 1: Read over the material in Sections I through V, then answer
the following questions in your journal:

a. What behavior traits signal my insecurity?

b. What happened in my past to make me insecure?

c. What are some of my beliefs that account for my insecurity?

d. What are some negative consequences I've experienced due to my
insecurity?

e. What behavior traits do I need to develop in order to overcome my
insecurity?

Step 2: After identifying your insecurity, how can you handle it?

Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What substitute behavior traits could I develop that would
indicate security in myself?

b. What are some positive consequences of exhibiting such secure
behavior traits in my life?

c. What are some rational beliefs I must develop in order to exhibit
secure behavior in my life?

d. How will my life change if I exhibit secure behavior?

e. What is my action plan to develop security in my life?

f. What obstacles stand in the way of my executing this action plan?

g. How can I overcome the obstacles to my development of self-
confidence and security?

Step 3: Implement the plan of action in Step 2.

Keep a log in your journal as you go through each stage of handling
your insecurity.

Step 4: The following project is designed to help you develop secure
behavior by learning about yourself through the eyes of the others in
your life. (Make it smaller or larger as you see fit.)

"Overcoming Insecurity" Collage

Ask at least six close friends and/or relatives to assist you in
making a collage. Tell them you have been assigned to make a collage
about yourself for school, work, or a club project. All collages must
be 2 x 3 feet. The collage must be completed within two weeks of the
time you ask your friends and/or relatives to help you. Ask them to
send you magazine pictures, sayings, articles, photos, prizes,
trinkets, cards, drawings, objects, ribbons, etc., indicative of the
various strengths, attributes, talents, skills, knowledge, virtues,
competencies, or abilities you possess. Ask them to send a short
explanation with each item they send you. Ask each person to send at
least ten items.

Once you gather the items, paste them on poster board in collage
fashion. On the back of the collage paste the explanations for the
items.

Share your collage with your friends, family, and helpers. Explain
each item on the collage, and explain that they have helped you
overcome some of your personal insecurity by giving accurate and
honest feedback on reasons why you should feel secure and good about
yourself.

Step 5: If you are still feeling insecure after completing Steps 1
through 4, review the material, return to Step 1, and begin again.