Wisdom For Today - December

[bluidkiti]

December 1

Wisdom for Today

When I was active in my addiction, I developed all kinds of unrealistic expectations of others and myself. I expected my parents to bail me out of one jam after another. I expected my wife to put up with my insanity. I expected her to cover for me with my employer. I expected my kids to leave me alone when I wanted to get high or have a drink. I expected my using friends to turn me on even when I had my own secret stash. I expected my friends to buy me a cold beer when I was short of cash. My expectations of myself were no different. I expected no less than perfection. I had to be the perfect party animal. I had to be the perfect husband. I had to be the best drinker. I had to be the best father. All this left me feeling like a complete failure, because there was no way I could ever measure up to my own expectations.

I stopped drinking and using, but my unrealistic expectations continued. I wanted my sponsor to bail me out of one jam after another. I expected my family to restore their trust in me immediately. I wanted my boss to pay me more money. I still expected my kids to leave me alone. My perfectionism didn't just disappear because I was clean and sober. In fact, all these unrealistic expectations had become another character defect. In my fourth step I was forced to begin to look at these defects. I began to see how I continued to self-sabotage the things that were important to me. There was no way I would ever be able to gain self-respect or the trust of others if I hung on to these old ideas and behaviors. Do I see how my expectations of others and myself have become self-destructive?

Meditations for the Heart

Each and every day provides us with an opportunity for progress. It is up to us to make the best use of these opportunities. It is not always easy to see the progress that we make. Each small step we take, and each time we move forward in our recovery effort, we make progress. It all adds up, and over time the progress we make is realized. God sees this progress long before we do. He is there to direct our every step along the path to recovery. It is our Higher Power who presents us with the opportunities for self-improvement. Now we do have a choice: We can refuse to take advantage of these opportunities, or we can forge ahead confident that God is guiding our path. I have found it important to ask myself after meetings, "What is one thing I can do differently that will improve my recovery?" I do not believe God wants me to look for ten things or twenty things to change, only one step at a time. What opportunity have you been given today?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
This path of recovery has many twists and turns, yet it is always filled with opportunities for self-improvement. Today help me to let go of my unrealistic expectations of others. Help me also to see that perfectionism only hurts me. Help me to take each opportunity that is offered me and make the best use of each step I take.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 2

Wisdom for Today

As my addiction progressed, I found that I became very careless. It got to the point that I didn't care about my family. I didn't care about my work. I didn't care about my friends. And I certainly didn't care about me. My ability to care about what was really important was drained out of me. I would try and put on a good show, but the reality was that I just didn't care. I was no longer using alcohol and drugs to have fun; I was using just to feel normal. I would wake up in the morning and be drawn right back to the insanity of my life. There just was no way out, and I didn't care anymore.

I got clean and sober, but my attitude had not changed. I still didn't care. I was just going through the motions. I would go to the meetings and say the right things, but I just didn't care. I had lost a lot because of my addiction, but I didn't care enough to try and get it back. My attitude was pervasive in my life. I really didn't care what my sponsor's advice was, because I really didn't care about me. This defect of character had to go if I ever was going to get clean and sober. I needed to learn how to care about myself again. I needed to learn to care about my life again. I needed to learn to care about others again. Have I started to care and be caring again?

Meditations for the Heart

God is all around us. His spirit abounds in the universe. When I look back at my life, I am not sure when I began to care about myself again. It seems that there were many things standing in the way. Guilt, shame and self-hatred all served as blocks to caring. I went to meetings and heard it was a selfish program, but I didn't care enough to really try. Today I have come to believe that this willingness to begin to care for myself again is a gift from God. I know I would not have had any chance at recovery without this gift. Still, I have to do the footwork, which means that I need to care enough about myself to work the steps. It starts with very simple things like eating right and taking yourself to meetings. Do I recognize the need for the gift of self-care and then act upon it?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
I am so grateful that You cared about me when I could not care for myself. I am grateful You put people in my life to help me learn how to care for myself again. It has not always been easy, as there was so much self-hatred I needed to overcome. Yet, You stuck with me and helped me find a way to care again. Teach me more about caring each day that I walk on this pathway to recovery.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 3

Wisdom for Today

During the final months of my addiction, I became very trustless. I no longer trusted my friends. I no longer trusted my family. I certainly had plenty of evidence that I could no longer trust myself. I no longer could even trust my using to help me escape the insanity of my life. I felt all alone. Then it all came crashing down. I walked in the house only to be thrown out. I had nowhere to turn. I trusted no one. I had hit bottom.

I believe that every addict or alcoholic experiences some crisis that finally wakes him or her up. I was no different. I got into the fellowship. I stopped drinking and getting high. But the fear of trusting others and the fear of trusting myself did not go away. It had become a way of life. I'm not sure exactly when I decided to risk trusting again. Perhaps it was seeing others making it at meetings. Perhaps it was Divine intervention. Perhaps it was because I had no other choice. The risk I took was small. I asked for help; and to my surprise I was given not only help, but also friendship, encouragement and even trust. People started to trust me to come early and help set-up for meetings. I was asked to share my story. I was given trust even when I deserved none. Am I beginning to trust again?

Meditations for the Heart

When active in my addiction, I was a force for evil. I was dishonest. I had a false ego. I let fear run my life. I had unrealistic expectations. I became careless, and I trusted no one. All of these defects of character and more became pervasive in my life. They did not simply disappear because I stopped drinking and using. More work had to be done. My moral character had become twisted. I stopped the insanity, but I still needed to straighten up. In the Fourth Step I had to look at myself and see what I had become. I had to admit that much was broken. It was not an easy process to honestly and fearlessly inventory what I had become. Yet without this inventory I would not have known what my shortcomings were. This inventory allowed me to see what needed to change. It was not just my drinking and using that needed to change. I just had to stop drinking and using. I also needed to change. This is the miracle of recovery. It wasn't just changing the things I did; it was changing me from the inside out. I could not do this on my own, but I knew that my Higher Power would help me with this too. Am I willing to look for how I need to change who I am?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Taking inventory is hard work. When I look at myself, I do not like all that I see. Guide me to become the person You want me to become. I know that with your help, I will find the courage to change the things I can. Walk with me this day and show me the way to a new me.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 4

Wisdom for Today

When I finally realized that I needed to change more than just my using, I was overwhelmed. I had no idea where to start. It seemed that my list of character defects was never ending. But as I listened at meetings and talked with my sponsor, things became more and more clear. The first thing I needed to do was learn how to care again. This was a complete reversal of direction for me. I had spent a lot of time behaving in very self-destructive behavior. I had so much self-hatred. My emotions were swimming around and all confused. Yet, I knew that if I could not find a way to care about myself, then nothing else would change.

I had to start “simple” - just caring for myself physically. This meant beginning to eat right. It also meant becoming more physically active. It also meant getting enough sleep. This is where I had to start; and to my surprise, my life started to feel more manageable. Then I needed to learn how to take care of myself emotionally, and finally I needed to learn to care for myself spiritually. The changes I felt were not sudden or immense. Each day they came in very small steps of progress. Some days I did a better job than others. Sometimes it felt like I was backsliding. Over time I slowly began to realize that caring for myself was something that seemed strange. It was selfish, but healthy. I also began to see that this was exactly what my Higher Power wanted me to do. Learning to care was the spark that would light a flame that would eventually lead me to learning how to care for others. Do I take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually?

Meditations for the Heart

"God don't make junk!" I'm not sure where I first saw these words, but I do remember when I first realized that these words applied to me. God made me who I am for a reason. He did not make me an addict or an alcoholic; this happened for other reasons. But He did make me for something. It was not to be on the bottom of the junk pile. In learning to live again, I needed to see my life though my Higher Power's eyes. I began to see that God's plans for me were much better than the plans I had for myself. All I needed to do was allow God to work His Spirit into my life. A seed of caring was planted, and I was given tools to nurture this seed. So I worked the garden, and God provided both the rain and sunshine to help this seed of self-care take root and grow. Do I see that God wants me to care for myself?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
I pray that I may let Your Spirit lead my life. I am so grateful for the care that You have given to me. It has helped me to see that I am not junk. Let me work diligently in the garden to nurture this seed of self-care. Help me understand that both Your sunshine and rain are needed to help this seed grow. Let me use the tools I have been provided to grow the wonderful garden of my life.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 5

Wisdom for Today

When I finally realized that I needed to change more than just my using, I was overwhelmed. I had no idea where to start. It seemed that my list of character defects was never ending. But as I listened at meetings and talked with my sponsor, things became more and more clear. The first thing I needed to do was learn how to care again. This was a complete reversal of direction for me. I had spent a lot of time behaving in very self-destructive behavior. I had so much self-hatred. My emotions were swimming around and all confused. Yet, I knew that if I could not find a way to care about myself, then nothing else would change.

I had to start “simple” - just caring for myself physically. This meant beginning to eat right. It also meant becoming more physically active. It also meant getting enough sleep. This is where I had to start; and to my surprise, my life started to feel more manageable. Then I needed to learn how to take care of myself emotionally, and finally I needed to learn to care for myself spiritually. The changes I felt were not sudden or immense. Each day they came in very small steps of progress. Some days I did a better job than others. Sometimes it felt like I was backsliding. Over time I slowly began to realize that caring for myself was something that seemed strange. It was selfish, but healthy. I also began to see that this was exactly what my Higher Power wanted me to do. Learning to care was the spark that would light a flame that would eventually lead me to learning how to care for others. Do I take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually?

Meditations for the Heart

"God don't make junk!" I'm not sure where I first saw these words, but I do remember when I first realized that these words applied to me. God made me who I am for a reason. He did not make me an addict or an alcoholic; this happened for other reasons. But He did make me for something. It was not to be on the bottom of the junk pile. In learning to live again, I needed to see my life though my Higher Power's eyes. I began to see that God's plans for me were much better than the plans I had for myself. All I needed to do was allow God to work His Spirit into my life. A seed of caring was planted, and I was given tools to nurture this seed. So I worked the garden, and God provided both the rain and sunshine to help this seed of self-care take root and grow. Do I see that God wants me to care for myself?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
I pray that I may let Your Spirit lead my life. I am so grateful for the care that You have given to me. It has helped me to see that I am not junk. Let me work diligently in the garden to nurture this seed of self-care. Help me understand that both Your sunshine and rain are needed to help this seed grow. Let me use the tools I have been provided to grow the wonderful garden of my life.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 6

Wisdom for Today

Lack of awareness was another one of my shortcomings. The reality was that I had little or no awareness of how my behavior affected other people. I had been so wrapped up in my own self-centeredness that I just could not see what was happening. It was not just how my behavior affected others that I was missing, but also self-awareness. I had no idea how I really felt. I knew I felt good when people were leaving me alone and felt bad when I was being hassled. But as for my emotions, I had no idea what made me happy. I had lost touch with sadness, fear, anger, shame, hurt feelings and many more. Everything was either good or bad.

As I began to come out of the fog, I began to see things for the first time. Anger was probably the first emotion I got in touch with. I was angry I had to go to all those meetings. I was angry that I couldn’t do things my way. I was angry I had this disease. As my anger subsided, I got in touch with other emotions -- fear, sadness and shame. I began to see how my behavior was affecting others. I began to realize more and more that I had to change if I was ever going to stay in recovery. As I started to put others into the equation of life, my self-centeredness began to slip away. With regular inventory of myself, I began to gain better understanding of my emotional responses. I began to see how my thinking, attitudes and behaviors had a lot to do with how I felt. Am I becoming more aware of my actions and myself?

Meditations for the Heart

In the program I began to see that those who reached out to me were able to help because they truly understood what I was going through. They had been through many of the same things I was going through. It was one addict or alcoholic helping another. It was their understanding that allowed them to help me. As I hung around the program longer, I began to see that this was also true of my Higher Power. God was able to help me, not just because He was more powerful than I was, but also because He understood. I am not saying that God was an addict or an alcoholic, but he certainly understood pain, fear, sadness, anger and all the other emotions I experienced. God also understands joy, serenity and peace of mind. These are things that I had to learn about from God and others. Today awareness is not always easy, but it is real, and I know I can deal with it. Do I reach out to others because I understand them?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Today is a new day, and I do not yet know what this day will bring. Regardless of what cards may be dealt to me this day; I will work to remain aware of my choices. Help me this day to remain aware of my thinking, attitudes and behaviors. Give me courage to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. Let me always be understanding of the needs of others.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 7

Wisdom for Today

When I was active in my addiction to alcohol and drugs, one thing I did not possess was the ability to be rational. I would avoid making decisions all the time (which strangely enough is a decision in and of itself), because I really had no clue about how to make a decision. Most of my actions were impulsive, without thought and made in reaction to an event or emotional response or in defensiveness. Being rational was something I just did not comprehend. Often times I lived by the motto, "If it feels good, do it." And often times as I lived this way, I really put others or myself at risk. Even when it came to making decisions about when or what to use to get high, I really wasn't making these decisions. My disease was making them for me.

Even early in the recovery process, I struggled with making decisions. I always seemed to leave a door open - "Just in case." Even though I said I wanted to stop my using, I repeatedly relapsed, felt guilty and ashamed, would stop again and then start all over again. I was still on the merry-go-round of denial. It was not until I ruled out all my options, closed all the doors, got rid of all the excuses and made a decision to stop that I was able to really accept my powerlessness. In recovery I had to learn how to make rational decisions. It was rational to do that which was healthy. And so I began the journey toward becoming rational. It was rational to do things God's way rather than my way. My way didn't work. Many times I have had to look for rational answers to the problems of life, and each time I learn more. Have I started to be more rational?

Meditations for the Heart

The last line of the Serenity Prayer ends with, "and the wisdom to know the difference." But what is this thing called wisdom, and where do I find it? I was convinced early on in recovery that when someone would say the slogan, "Keep it simple, stupid," that I was indeed the stupid one they were talking about. Looking back, there was some truth to that; but the reality was that I had a lot of "smarts," just the wrong kind. I had street smarts but lacked commonsense. I behaved in foolish ways and did not possess the wisdom I needed. So I began to study and do research. I studied the program literature. I listened intently to others at meetings. They were the winners, and they had wisdom I did not have. I spent long hours doing "homework" with my sponsor. Little by little I began to pick up bits and pieces of wisdom that I could trust. Today I am not so "stupid" anymore, but I am wise enough to know that I can get that way again if I quit studying and researching what I need to do in ongoing recovery? Am I working to gain wisdom in the program?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
I have learned that wisdom can be gained if I am willing to do the footwork. I also know that true wisdom only comes from You, so continue to lead me to the places where I can gain the wisdom You want me to have. Help me to seek out the winners and learn from them the wisdom of a healthy life in recovery. As I walk through this day, help me to make rational decisions, closing the doors on irrational choices.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 8

Wisdom for Today

Early in my recovery process I had to learn some hard lessons. One of the more difficult lessons was acceptance. It was not hard to accept the fact that I was an addict and alcoholic. It was hard learning to accept everything else. There was plenty of evidence that I could not control my use of alcohol or drugs. There was plenty of evidence that it had messed up my life. Accepting my addiction was easy. Learning to accept all the demands of recovery was another story. Learning to accept that I could no longer run the show was not going to be easy. I think surrender is hard for us all.

But what was really hard to accept was learning to accept others and myself. I had spent years acting like I owned the world. I took what I wanted. I did what I wanted. I also had spent years feeling like I was the lowest form of slime on the bottom of the ocean. In recovery I had to learn how to accept myself for whom and what I was. I had to own all of me - the good, the bad and the ugly. There was an awful lot that I wanted to stay in denial about, but recovery would not let me do this. In order to accept myself, I would need to forgive myself for all the wrongs I had done. I also would have to stop acting like I was better than others or worse than others. I had to admit that I am just one drink away from a drunk, one fix away from getting wasted. I was no different than all the other drunks, junkies, cokers and freaks at the meetings. I was no better and no worse, just like others. Am I being accepting of others and myself?

Meditations of the Heart

Learning to accept oneself is not an easy process in recovery. However, when you look at yourself through God's eyes, it becomes much easier. After all, being pulled from the pit of despair and insanity, God must have His reasons for that. God must see something in me that I could not see in myself. He must see that I fit into His plan somehow. If God sees this in me, who am I to deny what He sees? The really difficult part is holding onto that vision of what God sees. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of life and forget about God's vision for me. This is why I take time each morning to focus on God's plan for me. This is why it is important to seek His direction, so that I may hold onto His vision for me. What do I see when I look in God's mirror?

Petitions for the Heart

God,
Sometimes I try to be something or someone I am not. Sometimes I lose sight of Your will for me, yet You continue to guide me back to the path I am supposed to be on. Certainly Your vision of me is not something that I easily comprehend. Help me to see glimpses of Your vision. Help me to see that I am worthwhile.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 9

Wisdom for Today

Fear continued to interfere with my life even early in my recovery. This was not something that just disappeared when I stopped using. I needed to change this, and it meant that I had to discover something called courage. There was a problem though. I thought I didn't have any; or if I did, I certainly didn't know where to find it. Where would I find this, "Courage to change the things I can?" I had no idea. So I went to my sponsor and asked him, and I went to meetings and asked people there. I heard many different answers. I wasn't getting the easy answer I wanted. I was hoping it would happen if I did something, maybe if I worked the right step or said the right prayer. No such luck! Courage was not that easy.

Then one night I went to a meeting and blurted out the question, "What is courage?" There was this old-timer sitting across the room, who cleared his throat and said, "It is when you become willing to do something even though you are scared." At last! An answer that made sense! Courage was about willingness, not bravery or fearlessness. I could become willing to make the changes I needed to make. I knew that my Higher Power would help me. I knew that my sponsor and the fellowship would help me. Yes, I was scared to make the changes I needed to make - giving up people, places and things. I could even become willing to change my attitudes, behaviors and beliefs. I was scared to death of some of these changes but became willing to change anyway. I discovered the courage I needed already existed inside of me. I just had to find it. I also believe that this courage is a gift from none other than my Higher Power. Do I believe that I already have the courage I need inside of me?

Meditations for the Heart

Sometimes courage is needed immediately, and at other times much struggle must be given to find the willingness in the face of fear. One thing I learned quickly was that courage was an act of the heart. I could not think my way into courage. This was a problem, because the heart is filled with desire. Sometimes my heart wanted to run and hide from the truth or from need to change. Sometimes my heart desired to be lazy. And at other times it desired to avoid, manipulate or con my way out of the need for change. I do not know how to make the heart desire to be courageous. All I can say is that it becomes much easier knowing and trusting that God is right there with me. So, when I feel fear in my heart, I know it is time to talk to my Higher Power. Sometimes I have to talk to Him quickly to find the courage needed in the moment. Other times I must talk to Him often to find the courage to make it through the struggle. I have also learned that it is important not to give up, because often the courage comes when I feel the weakest. Do I know where to turn when I need to find courage?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Sometimes, I feel like my heart is all messed up. There are so many different messages I get because of my unhealthy desires. Help this day to seek after that which I know to be healthy, and give to me the courage I need along the way. Let me be watchful for the traps of the heart that can lead me backwards. Guide my steps with wisdom.
Amen

[bluidkiti]

December 10

Wisdom for Today

Another quality of character that seemed to disappear with my addiction was the ability to trust. With increasing fear and doubt as my constant companions, I found it impossible to trust anyone or anything. It got to the point where I could not even trust drugs or alcohol to take me away from my misery. I stopped drinking and using, but my ability to trust had not returned. How was I supposed to trust a bunch of drunks to help me get clean and sober? And as for a Higher Power, my relationship with God was far in the past; I had no idea how to rekindle this relationship. Most of all I could no longer trust myself.

Trust was not easy to rebuild. The thought of taking off the mask that I wore was so frightening, I could not imagine living without it. Then one day in desperation, sitting alone in my room with tears streaming down my face, I cried, "God, help me!" To my surprise He did. I'm not even sure when I realized that I was being helped, and I'm not sure it really mattered. Like peeling layers of an onion away, one by one I let my defenses fall by the wayside. I began to open up, and I continued to ask for help. Soon I could see that that bunch of drunks really had my best interests at heart. I was being shown the way, not just to sobriety, but also to a new way of living. As I followed the suggestions of others, I also found increasing happiness. I even found that I could begin to trust myself again, because I was no longer out to destroy myself. Am I becoming more trusting?

Meditations for the Heart

Prayer is a way to communicate with my Higher Power. Yet as I walk through the day, I am often confronted with so many different things that it is easy to loose sight of keeping God in the center of my life. In recovery I find that the word serenity is a slippery thing. Sometimes I tease and say that I have experienced at least 16 seconds of serenity in my recovery, and not all at once. Sadly this is not too far from accurate. I allow the material world to take center stage too often. However, when I am able to keep the spiritual world on center stage, I find that I have much more peace of mind and serenity.

As I have walked on this path called recovery, I have learned that practice does not make things perfect, but practice does allow for progress. So prayer is something I need to practice. My sponsor suggested I try using the Dr. Pepper method of practice. I looked puzzled, and he said, "On the old bottles of Dr. Pepper, you would see the numbers 10, 2, and 4." This was a suggestion of the times during the day to drink a bottle of Dr. Pepper. A marketing scheme turned sideways to help alcoholics and addicts! So I began to pray at 10, 2, and 4. I found that this practice helped and progress followed. So did more and more periods of serenity. Do I practice to improve my communication with my Higher Power?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Help me this day to keep You central in my life. Let me not be distracted by the material world, but keep me focused on my spiritual life. Let me continue to risk trusting those who have walked this path before me. Most of all let me never stop trusting You.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 11

Wisdom for Today

Another defect of character that I had to watch out for was inequality -- thinking that I was better than others or worse than others. Closely related was grandiosity, pretending that I was king of the world and all-powerful, in many ways pretending that I was god. This grandiosity also made me think that other people owed me. When I was actively drinking and using, I felt as if others should give me whatever I wanted. If I turned them on, I acted like I owned these individuals. This was particularly true of the women I dated. But even with my best using buddies, if I turned them on, I would act like I was king. I expected something in return. Even early in recovery I found myself judging others, looking for their faults, so that I could feel better about myself.

On the other hand there was shame, an attitude about myself that told me that I was a damaged product. I was less than others. Shame was pervasive in my belief system and had me convinced that I was a real loser. I was not worthy of anyone's care or concern. This was particularly true in my relationship with God. How could a Higher Power possibly care about someone as worthless as I was? In recovery it became necessary to learn about equality, that I was not better and no worse than anyone else. I was just like everyone else. I was human, capable of great mistakes, capable of great success. Regardless of success or failure, I was still a worthwhile human being. I needed to change my belief system and see that God cared about me not because I was worthy, but simply because He chooses to care about me - the good, the bad and the ugly. Am I making progress with equality?

Meditations for the Heart

The program is a fellowship of hope. This is not a hope that is overly optimistic and looks at the world through rose-colored glasses. It also is not a hope that is pessimistic that is doomed to fail. It is a fellowship of hope that is real and genuine. Ask those individuals who are making it about hope, and they respond, "Hope is the free gift of God that comes through surrender." It is not the profound success that people have in the program that gives us hope, nor is it the failures we experience that makes us turn to this hope. Hope is simply a free gift we receive that is most definitely real. Hope fills our hearts and strengthens us for the new day. Hope fills our hearts and brings both comfort and serenity. Hope brings security, and hope allows for each new breath. This is not something we receive in isolation, but it is given to us freely through our participation in the program. Have I found this gift called hope?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Each day I am presented with the temptation to see myself as better than others or worse than others. Help this day to fight this temptation and to see myself as You see me, for I know that You see me as Your child, equal and worthy. Let me grab onto this thing called hope and not let go, for in You and in following Your will I am given this gift - not because of my success or my failure, but simply because You choose to give this to me freely.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 12

Wisdom for Today

Some people say there aren't any heroes anymore. But I know this is just not the case. Anyone who is engaged in battle and fights with courage certainly is a hero. I meet heroes all the time at meetings. These are the people who have fought the good fight against the disease of addiction. They all have demonstrated courage under fire, and all have come out of the battle a changed person. I say this because, when I first met these people, I thought they were just a bunch of drunks. But as I began to know these people, I was surprised to find them reaching out to me. They taught me the ways of recovery quite unselfishly. They had been through exactly what I had been through. They were more unselfish than I ever was.

As I spent time with these people, I began to think about myself less and a little more about other people. I began to share the things I had been taught with others. More and more often I was confronted with parts of my life that were still a mess. These same people continued to teach me all that they knew. I began to realize that I did not have to rely on myself to get clean and sober. I began to realize that through these people, I gained strength. These people continue to act in unselfish and heroic ways. They continue to teach, and I continue to learn. Am I now depending more on others and less on myself?

Meditations for the Heart

I remember the first time someone came up to me after a meeting and said, "I want to thank you for what you had to say tonight. It really hit home." I can't for the life of me remember what I had said, but I do remember looking into the eyes of the person who said this to me. Something about that look told me that I had honestly touched that individual in some way. I also remember going up to my sponsor and telling him. He said, "Now you finally understand service work." I guess I was really confused because I had always thought that setting up before a meeting or cleaning up afterwards was service work. So I asked my sponsor what he meant, and he smiled and said, " You see, serving others is about unselfishly sharing your experience, strength and hope." I thought about this for a long time. It made me more eager to openly share at meetings. So much so many different individuals had taught me, that I realized I needed to give back to the program and the people who had helped me so much. Do I give back what I have been given?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Thank You for the many heroes You have placed in my life. They have made my walk along this path of recovery so much easier. I know now that it is You who gave them the words to say that have so impacted my life. I pray this day that You guide my words so that I may give back what I have been given.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 13

Wisdom for Today

Sometimes people ask me why they should go to meetings, and I respond, "Because you are not unique." I think this surprises them, but the truth is that Twelve Step programs work better than anything else out there. I should know. I think I tried just about everything else. I don't pretend to know what the magic is, but there is something about getting away from the self-centeredness, participating in the fellowship and relying on a Higher Power that really works. I suffered from terminal uniqueness for a long time, believing that I indeed needed a unique approach to recovery. None of them worked for me until I got into the program.

Now that I have been attending meetings for a while, I truly understand what they mean when they say, "We all traveled by many roads to arrive in this spot." Each of us indeed came to the program by our own path, yet each of us arrived at the same door. Not everyone chooses to walk through that door. I have seen many people arrive at this same door, two, three or four times, only to walk away. Some of them will get another chance, and others will never make it back. Do I still believe that I can do it on my own?

Meditations for the Heart

As for uniqueness, there is some truth in this. We all have our own individual personalities. Each of us has our own story. What is truly amazing is that God can speak to us all in a language we understand. I have watched as God turned my life around, unraveling the problems and straightening out my path. I have watched as others come into the program, each with a set of uniquely human problems. If they stick with it, God talks to them in a language they understand; and it works for them. This is a part of the miracle that is God. With such incredible diversity of peoples attending meetings, each with their own unique set of circumstances, it still works. God is the great interpreter for each of us. He makes it possible for us to use these tools and teaches us about a program of recovery. Do I see that God, as I understand Him, means that I will understand Him?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
In this day I know that You will interpret life in a way that makes it possible for me to understand. I know I have unique problems, and I am not like everyone else, but I also know that You have led me to a common meeting place to find the answers I need. Keep me in a right relationship with You, and help me to understand others so that I may help them, just as You have helped me.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 14

Wisdom for Today

None of us is perfect. In fact, we all have personality flaws. This is the case with me. I certainly had all kinds of reasons that I sought after the high that alcohol and drugs provided for me. Each of us had our own reasons to get messed up. Perhaps we were looking for a way to escape from the realities of our lives. For some of us it is that terrible feeling inside that we just aren't any good. Maybe it was because we didn't know how to make friends or were lonely. I know I had many conflicts inside, and I could not seem to find a way to fit in. Even when I was attempting to fit in, I still felt like I was on the outside. My drinking and drugging was a symptom of my personality flaws, and it was also the cause of some of these defects of character.

I stopped using all the time; my problem was that I couldn't find a way to stay sober. I couldn't until I found a way to deal with all the personality flaws that led me to drink and use. Simple abstinence was not the answer. It didn't solve anything. I had to find a new way of living. I had to find a new me. Recovery is about reshaping our lives. It is about finding our way along the path of recovery with all its twists and turns, bumps and bends. It is about change and changing some more. I'm not there yet, but I am happy with where God has led me thus far. Do I see that I am the one who needs to change?

Meditations for the Heart

Somewhere early in my recovery I realized that a seed had been planted in my life. A new life was growing inside of me. As that seed sprouted and grew, I continued to work the soil and see that the seed was nourished. I began to see wonderful changes occurring. I still needed to work the soil to keep the weeds from choking away this new life inside of me. I know that someday I will see the flower of this seed if I keep using the tools I have been given. But all I need worry about is today, and I really don't even have to worry about that anymore. I trust that God will take care of today for me if I let Him. Still sometimes I wonder, "Where did this seed come from in the first place? I did not plant it in my life.” For me, I have come to believe that this seed was planted the moment I really worked Step Three. I did not realize it at the time, but God went to work right away. Do I value the seed that is planted in my life?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Each day the seed in my life receives Your blessing. Sometimes this is in the form of sunshine, and at other times it is in the form of rain. Help me to realize that even when the thunderstorms of life occur, You are there to protect me and help me keep growing. Help me to grow into the flower you want me to be and stand with my brothers and sisters in recovery in the garden of life.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

December 15

Wisdom for Today

All those personality flaws and character defects do not need to last forever. I have seen many addicts and alcoholics find a way to solve these problems. I have certainly seen healing and change in my life. This is a process that takes time, and some of these characteristics are more resistant to change than others. I wasn't really sure just how to go about this change, but slowly over time three things occurred that brought about tremendous change in my life. What are these three things that happened you might ask. Well, let me see if I can describe the process and then tell you what happened.

First of all, I pulled myself together with a lot of help from my friends in the program. I had to be able to think straight in order to make the changes I needed to make. Where this change started was with personal honesty. I had to get honest with myself and with others. Not an easy process, but necessary if I was ever going to reclaim what I had lost - personal integrity! The second thing that occurred with the return of personal integrity was that I needed honestly to face my problems. I could no longer run from the truth. This is where the process of the Step Four inventory was so helpful. For the first time in a long time I could see where I really stood. This honest self-assessment showed me that I had strengths as well as weaknesses. Finally I could face the facts and not make excuses anymore for my behavior. This last step in the process brought me to a place of personal responsibility. Personal integrity, honest self-assessment, and personal responsibility were the things that recovery provided me and enabled changes to occur. Am I working to get these three gifts of recovery?

Meditations for the Heart

Why me? This is a question I have asked myself many times. I asked this when I was in trouble with my addiction to alcohol and drugs. I asked this question again early in recovery. Why me? Why did I have to get this disease? No one came to my school when I was growing up and asked me if I wanted to be an addict or an alcoholic when I grew up. I didn't volunteer for this disease saying, "Oh, please, I want to be a drunk." I asked the question again when look at all my character flaws and defects. I mean, wasn't it bad enough that I got this illness? Why did I have to suffer with these problems, too? After working with the steps for a while and finding a new sense of hope, I still asked the question, Why me? Why was I chosen to get a chance in recovery? Funny how the question changes with time! This in part is why the spiritual aspects of the program are so important. It allows God the opportunity to change the question. Do I see that I have been chosen and given a chance that many other addicts and alcoholics never get?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
The path of recovery that You lead me on is not always easy. Many of the changes are hard. Still I know and trust that this is the right path and You will lead me each step of the way. Help me to work through all the issues I need to. Let me make needed changes, and grant me wisdom and courage along the way.
Amen.