Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2020

[bluidkiti]

January 6

Quote of the Week

"My mind is like a bad neighborhood — I don’t go in it alone."

One of the dangers of being alone for me is that I start thinking. Now, for a normal person, that may be okay, but for an alcoholic like me, that almost always means trouble. Colored by the disease of alcoholism, my mind seeks problems and reasons why nothing will work out. Even my so-called good ideas soon get me into trouble.

If I dwell in the bad neighborhood of my mind, I can also get depressed. I once heard that alcoholism wants me dead but will settle for drunk. If I get lost down its streets, soon I’m cut off from life and the light of my Higher Power, and I start believing alcoholism’s dark thoughts. Depressed and alone, my disease has seemingly won—until I reach out.

Today, I’ve learned to share my thoughts with others and to let them into my thought process. I’m no longer comfortable going into the neighborhood of my mind alone and find over and over that things always work out best when I have company. Today, when I’m feeling anxious or depressed, I ask myself if I’m in the dark neighborhood of my mind alone. And if so, I call you.

[bluidkiti]

January 13

Quote of the Week

"When I’m alone and by myself, I’m outnumbered."

I remember the first time I heard about the committee. Someone shared that when she went to sleep, the committee in her head got together and started going over all the things that were wrong and why her life was never going to work out. They gathered evidence, put a solid case together, and then reached their decision. When she woke up in the morning, they handed her their verdict: guilty and sentenced to a miserable life!

Boy, could I relate. I have my own committee of voices that constantly tell me things aren’t going to work out, that my past mistakes are insurmountable, and that no matter how hard I try, I will never be happy. When I’m alone, the committee is especially active, and after a few days of listening to their decrees, I’m overwhelmed and defeated.

In recovery, I’ve learned that being alone and listening to my own thinking almost always leads to trouble. I was taught early on that my thinking is distorted by the disease of alcoholism. My best hope for right action and happiness is to run my thoughts by my sponsor and others in the program. Once I let others in, the committee disappears, and I am restored to sanity. Today, I recognize the danger of being alone and outnumbered.

[bluidkiti]

January 20

Quote of the Week

"We either hang together, or we hang alone."

As my drinking got worse, I became more and more of a loner. After a close call of getting pulled over while I had been drinking (I somehow managed not to get arrested), I decided to stop going out to clubs. It was just easier to stay home and drink and listen to music. I also stopped receiving invitations to parties, and at first, I didn’t notice, then I didn’t care. It had been a long time since I had been in a relationship, and since my family couldn’t keep up with the way I liked to drink, I stopped hanging out with them, too. At the end, it was just me, my booze, and my resentments.

When my best friend finally took me to a meeting, I hated it. First, there were a lot of people there and they all seemed so fake and much too happy. What was there to be happy about? I thought. You’re at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting! And then some people came up to me and gave me their phone numbers and told me to call them. That won’t be happening, I thought. Finally, after the meeting was over and I was sneaking out the back door, my friend told me we were going out to “fellowship” at a restaurant. That was the last straw! I told him, “Some other time,” and made my escape.

I stayed “out” another year, and when I finally crawled into the rooms, I was ready. Early on, I saw someone celebrate a six-year anniversary, and he said something I will never forget. He said, “Find someone you can tell the truth to; we don’t do this alone.” Thank God I took his advice. The moment I began to let the program in, the fellowship in, and a God of my own understanding into my life, I began to recover. By getting involved, I got out of me and got into “we.” And then I finally understood: We either hang together or we hang alone.

[bluidkiti]

January 27

Quote of the Week

"If you are sober today, you are tied for first place."

When I was new to the program, I used to compare the amount of sober time I had against others. When I had 60 days, I felt less than those who got chips for 120 days. When I got 120 days, I envied those who made it to a year. When I finally got a whole year of sobriety, I watched the next person on the stage take a cake for three years, and I felt like a newcomer again.

When I confided these feelings to my sponsor, he told me I was comparing my insides with someone else’s outsides again. He told me this was a twenty-four-hour-a-day program, and that if I was sober today, I had just as much time as anyone else. Besides, he said, it’s the quality of your sobriety, not the quantity of days. As I started watching people with several years drink again, I felt the gravity of his words.

Today, I have what some consider to be long-term sobriety. Some newcomers talk to me as if I have it all figured out, and they tell me they wish they had the recovery to stay sober like I do. I quickly tell them that if they have today, they have exactly the same sobriety I do. I remind them, and myself, that I am just as close to a drink as they are, and that my daily solution is the same as theirs. For those who are still comparing, I tell them if you are sober today, you are tied for first place.

[bluidkiti]

February 3

Quote of the Week

"I’ll never be happy as long as I keep comparing my insides with someone else’s outsides."

It is very easy for me to feel less than. I’m constantly comparing myself to other people and asking why I don’t have a better car, a bigger house, or more money. I’m convinced that most people are happier than I am, know something I don’t, or are having a better life. While I’ve always felt something was wrong with me, it wasn’t until I entered recovery that I found out what it was.

I remember having this discussion with my sponsor and him telling me that alcoholism is a disease of perception. He told me there are three beliefs most alcoholics have that will forever prevent them from being happy. First, he said that we believe that what we don’t have is almost certainly better than what we do have. Second, no matter how much we have of something, we’re sure that having more of it would be better. The third belief is that when we finally get what we want, then we’ll be happy.

Now, I don’t know how he read my mind, but that sure described me! When I asked him what I was supposed to do next, he told me that God could and would restore me to sanity if I was willing to work Step Two. I was. It’s taken awhile, but today I have an attitude of gratitude, I’m comfortable in my own skin, and I have a peace and serenity that no car or amount of money could ever give me. And best of all, I’m truly happy because I no longer feel the need to compare my insides with someone else’s outsides.

[bluidkiti]

February 10

Quote of the Week

"Recovery is the only place where you can walk into a room full of strangers and reminisce."

When I began going to meetings, I remember how uncomfortable it was being around so many people I didn’t know. As soon as they found out I was new to the program, many of them came up to me and gave me their phone numbers, asked me how I was doing, and wanted to know all kinds of things that I didn’t want to tell them. It was all overwhelming.

As I sat and listened to people share, I was pretty sure I didn’t belong because I hadn’t done half the stuff I was hearing. That’s when my sponsor told me I hadn’t done them yet. He asked me if I identified with the other half, and I admitted I did. He suggested I should look for the ways I was the same, rather than the ways I was different.

It’s amazing how that little piece of advice has changed my life. Now, no matter what part of the world I am in, I can always find a part of myself in the strangers I meet in the rooms of recovery. Even if I don’t know you personally, I know I can identify with many of your experiences and with the way you feel and think. This is what allows strangers like us to start reminiscing the first time we ever meet.

[bluidkiti]

February 17

Quote of the Week

"Just because you’re having a bad day doesn’t mean you’re having a bad life."

It’s amazing the way my mind used to work. When things were good, it told me they wouldn’t last. When things were bad, it told me they were going to get worse. When I was having a bad day, it told me every other day was going to be just as bad, and that no matter how hard I tried, my life would end in failure.

When I entered recovery, the first thing I learned was that alcoholism was a disease of perception. I was told that what was happening in my head didn’t always reflect what was happening in my life, and I was given tools to help me tell the difference. Gratitude lists helped me see the good instead of the imagined bad; running my thinking by others helped me see past my insanity, and working with others always helped me feel better no matter what was going on.

It took a long time to develop a new perspective with my thinking, but by being willing to change, and by working hard at it, I now know that much of what my mind tells me is a lie. To counter this today, when I wake up I turn my thoughts over to my Higher Power, and I let Him direct my thinking. If I’m having a bad day, I know I can start it over at any time, and I do that by saying to myself, “Thy will, not mine be done.” This always works. Today, I know that if I’m having a bad day, it doesn’t mean I’m having a bad life. It just means it’s time to turn it over.

[bluidkiti]

February 24

Quote of the Week

"Directions to recovery: Just go straight to hell and make a U-turn."

When I was new to the program, I heard a word I didn’t know the definition of. The word was “perdition.” As the fog began to clear, my sponsor recommended I look it up. When I read its meaning, I knew it accurately described my state of being: perdition means complete spiritual bankruptcy.

During the final, dark months and days of my drinking, one by one I abandoned my self-respect, my self-care, and ultimately the light of my spirit. I was on the way to a private hell where hope—and life itself—would soon disappear forever. In a desperate moment, a part of me reached out for help, and I made the U-turn that led me to recovery.

The miracle that I found in recovery is the miracle that awaits us all, no matter how far down we have fallen, no matter the state of despair or the depths of the abyss into which we have descended. Our collective experience is we will recover if we are willing to work the Twelve Steps. When we do, we find that the very experience that nearly took our lives enables us, over time, to help and save another. This is the enduring miracle that is available to all who keep coming back. No matter what, don’t leave before the miracle happens for you, too.

[bluidkiti]

March 2

Quote of the Week

"The difference between my will and God’s will is that my will starts out easy and gets hard, while God’s will starts out hard and gets easy."

A perfect example of this quote is the program itself. When I was new, my will often told me that it would be much easier to just keep drinking and doing what I had been doing, than to work the program and take all those Steps. Of course, my will had always seemed easier, but when I bottomed out I saw how hard that path had really been. By staying sober, I found that God’s will for me was to recover, and though early recovery was hard at first, my life got infinitely better and became more fulfilling.

What I learned in recovery is that the main problem with my will is that it is driven by my incessant wants and needs. It tricks me into thinking that I deserve to satisfy myself first, and only then can I be available to help another. As I pursue my will and trample over others to get what I want, I find that my will is insatiable, and I quickly become lost in its demands.

God’s will, on the other hand, is about focusing on and helping others first. When I pray for the knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry that out, I become interested in what’s right for all concerned, the whole picture of which I am just a part. I find that as I become truly focused on helping others get what they want and need, my wants lessen, and soon I realize that I have much more than I need. Because helping others brings such peace and serenity into my life, I know this has been God’s will for me all along.

[bluidkiti]

March 9

Quote of the Week

"Everyone has a Higher Power, and it’s not me."

What a relief it was when I heard this quote for the first time. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what’s best for you, a lot of energy trying to arrange things for you, and a lot of time worrying about what’s going to happen to you. In other words, I was pretty sure that I knew what was best for everyone else, and I felt like it was my job to bring that about.

When I heard this quote, it restored me to my proper role in your (and everyone else’s) life. It relieved me of a lot of responsibility. It reminded me that you have your own path and that my role is to support and love you, not direct and control you. And it relieved me of responsibility by reminding me that you have a force in your life far greater in power and wisdom than me, and that is your Higher Power.

Once I stopped playing God, I stopped trying to direct life and instead learned to let go and let God. Today, when I worry about the challenges those I love and care about are going through, I recognize that I can be of the most service simply by being there for them, by helping them, and by loving them. But their ultimate solace, strength, and hope will always come from their own Higher Power. Today, I let go and let God work in my life and in the lives of others.

[bluidkiti]

March 16

Quote of the Week

"Expectations are premeditated resentments."

Even after all my time in recovery, I often find that I still try to control people, places, and things. Even though the First Step teaches me about my powerlessness and the Third Step gives me direction for dealing with life, I still find myself resentful when things don’t go my way. And I can usually trace my resentments back to my expectations.

When I can get calm and take a sober look at a situation, I realize that my expectations are indications that I haven’t fully turned my will and life over to God. It means that I have tried to control everything again, and that I have forgotten my true role in life: to suit up and show up, do the best I can, and leave the results up to God. Since expectations are just results in disguise, it’s no wonder they so easily lead to resentments.

Today, I recognize expectations for what they are: reminders to refocus my energy and thoughts on the actions I am about to take, rather than trying to direct and control the results. It helps to work the First, Second, and Third Steps, as doing so allows me to remain open to God’s lessons and gifts that show up in the results. They are always there if I am open to them, and appreciating and learning from them keep me safe from unnecessary resentments.

[bluidkiti]

March 23

Quote of the Week

"The biggest thing I have to do today is not take a drink."

When I was new to recovery, I felt overwhelmed by all the things I felt I needed to do. First there was staying sober and finding a sponsor and trying to figure out the Steps and all that entailed. Then there was the immediate wreckage of my life and the worries I had about my finances, my relationships, and even my health. Next, I would lie in bed at night worrying about the long-term consequences of my years of drinking, and I would replay the regrets and resentments I had. I was an emotional wreck.

As I started opening up to my sponsor about all this, he listened patiently and then gently nudged me back to the present. He always began with the same question: “Are you sober today?” I answered that I was, and then tried to add, “But . . .” He quickly interrupted me and told me that being sober was the most important thing I could do, and once I made sobriety my priority, everything else would, over time, work out. Secretly I didn’t believe him, but I was out of options.

What I came to understand was that all the things I worried about, and all the problems I had, were mostly the result of my alcoholism. I caused most of the pain and suffering in my life by being selfish and self-centered, and by my grandiose thinking. The solution, I found, started when I quit drinking and started working the Steps. Day by day, my life did improve, and I finally understood what people meant when they said that if I put my head down on my pillow at night and was sober, then regardless of whatever else was happening, I was a winner. Today, I know that the biggest thing I have to do is not take a drink.

[bluidkiti]

March 30

Quote of the Week

"Wisdom is knowledge you learn after you know it all."

You couldn’t tell me anything before I entered recovery because I knew it all. I had all the answers for my life; I also had all the answers for your life, and I was quick to tell you about it. One of my favorite sayings back then was, “Those who think they know it all are really annoying to those of us who do!”

When I came into the program, I brought all my opinions into the rooms with me. At first I tried to do things my way and thought I had better answers than you. I mean, “Turn it over”? “Let go and let God”? That may work for you, but I was sure I knew better. Soon afterward, though, I was drunk.

When I finally admitted that I didn’t know how to stay sober, I became willing to admit that perhaps I didn’t know everything after all. That was the moment I became teachable, and it was the moment I began to recover. The longer I’m in the program, the more I realize that many times what I think I know just isn’t so. Today, I’m quick to admit that I don’t have all the answers, and when I do I become open to the wisdom that lies beyond.

[bluidkiti]

April 6

Quote of the Week

"There are no victims, only volunteers. You always have a choice."

This was a tough lesson to learn. When I was new to the program, I felt like a victim in many situations and relationships. When I started complaining about my job or what my family was making me do, I expected to get some sympathy and understanding. I was shocked to be told that I was a willing volunteer in much of the drama and even the pain in my life. That was a hard pill to swallow.

And it didn’t go down easily. I had to do many fourth columns of the Fourth Step—my part—before I clearly understood that I had a choice, and so a role, in the uncomfortable situations in my life. As I began making different choices by not engaging in old family dynamics, or by making better decisions elsewhere, other people got pretty upset. They were used to me playing a certain role and so grew angry and resentful as I began to stick up for myself.

The breakthrough came as I continued to honor myself and make healthy choices. The miracle was that as I changed and recovered, the dynamics of my relationships changed. Soon, as I took more responsibility for myself, other people took responsibility for their actions as well. Together, we became less codependent, and through my recovery others experienced recovery also. And it all started when I accepted my role as a volunteer and began making different choices.

[bluidkiti]

April 13

Quote of the Week

"Without tolerance for another, it’s hard to have empathy for myself."

“Tolerant” was one of the last words you would have used to describe me before I entered the program. Instead, I was quick to find fault with what you said or how you dressed, or what you did. My opinion of myself was so low that I constantly had to rip you down to build myself up. Living this way made me bitter, isolated, and resentful.

As I listed my resentments in the Fourth Step, I began to see how much fear and low self-esteem drove my decisions and actions, hurting both myself and others. As I worked with my sponsor, I developed an awareness and acceptance for myself. And as I listened to others sharing honestly and openly about similar struggles and fears, I began to feel a connection with them. For the first time, I experienced true empathy for others.

I once read a description of empathy as being an emotional echo that is sent out to the center of another person and returns with pieces of yourself. When I began finding pieces of myself in other people’s stories, I began to find the shared humanity in our experiences. And that is when I developed real tolerance and compassion for others, as well as for myself. Today, I understand that without tolerance for another, it’s hard to have empathy for myself.