Admitting we were powerless...

[MajestyJo]

Today's reminder: Too often I take the alcoholic's struggles unto myself and feel that I should be able to do something about them. When I find myself slipping into this God-like attitude, I'll do a little concentrating on the first step: "admitted we were powerless"....

From: ODAT in Alanon Aug. 26, 2011

So grateful that I found the program, so that I in turn could have an understanding of my son's disease. It helped me to look back at the relationship with my parents and my intimate relationships. I am as powerless over their disease as I am my own. The key thing was to recognize my own sickness and even though I didn't drink and drug any more, I could get caught up in their disease and slip back into old patterns.

When my aunt told me that I had nominated myself my brother's keeper and care taker the day he was born, it explained a lot to me. My brother was born after me, so I took on a very big job for very little hands. It wasn't until I came into recovery that I recognized the fact that I had blamed myself for his death. He had died while in my care. I was suppose to keep him safe don't you know.

My son's disease shouldn't have progressed. My program should have been strong enough to protect my son from having to travel the same road I did and then taking additional roads to parts unknown to me. I should have done more, I wasn't a good enough wife, mother, daughter, and as their disease progressed, the more I was able to see my own powerlessness but more importantly, not continuing to beat myself up for being less than. Not putting on that false mask and bravado, telling myself, that I am okay. Trying to live up to my expectations and that of others and always feeling like I was falling short and whatever I did was not good enough.

I didn't know I didn't have the power. I didn't know, that only through surrender and acceptance, was I empowered to change my own life and my perspective. I didn't have to take on the false guilt and responsibilities. The first Step gave me a new freedom and a chance at a new happiness.

I had to quit beating myself up and thinking of myself as less than. I didn't have the power, but when I surrendered to the program, connected with a God of my own understanding, I was empowered to do what I need to do a day at a time.