Defects of Character

[MajestyJo]

Criticizing/look for the good

I used to spend time looking for validation of my beliefs about life and people--not a whole lot of those beliefs were very positive. I pretty well reeked of pessimism and spent a whole lot of time questioning anything remotely 'good', knowing it came with strings attached and that other 'shoe' was going to fall. G-d was capricious and I knew it.

I like this other side of the coin and trust that all things truly do happen for the good, even if I don't understand it. That doesn't mean I'm always HAPPY about the circumstances, but I'm clear they're simply the circumstances and not my destiny.
I will admit that my 'looking for the good' can sometimes leave people rolling their eyes....LOL Mostly cuz they're looking for validation of their feelings about the circumstances in their life and I'm going on about trusting the greater plan and looking for some good in those circumstances. I GOTTA remember to do that FIRST....maybe the eye rolling will get less? LOL

Graced

Good stuff! I was big on validation, needed it from outside because I could find none within myself. I have always been my own worst task master. I validated the self-abuse by saying, "I don't do or say anything that I wouldn't do for myself!" I do ask for feedback once in a while, I do think it is needed because often my perception can be off. It isn't an ego thing like it was before, but a look at where I am at, and do I need to change the direction I am heading. As much as I would like to think so, I am not always right. I don't always like criticism, but I think when it is given, it is up to me to decide whether it is good or bad. Everyone has their opinion, including me.

What I have a problem with are those who say, "You can't feel this or that" or "You shouldn't feel .....", they are my feelings, but again it is my responsibility to take ownership and put the right label on them. Many times we feel anger and forget that there are other contributing factors such as insecurity, fear, and grief behind it.

[MajestyJo]

When people share in NA, take part in the readings and the putting on of the meetings, everyone thanks them for participating.

For many years I didn't participlate in life, for many years I wasn't able to do the 'ordinary' things, for many years, and even in today, little things can overwhelm me and I often have to put them off until such a time as I can handle and deal with them. Part of it is because of my fibromyalgai, yet for the most part, it is daily conditioning and old tapes playing. A little goodness goes a long way yet too much can be kind of sickening. My aunt had a friend who use to say "Too sweet to be wholesome!"

I don't expect praise, don't handle it well, but it sure is nice to receive. Giving a well done, reminds me that Jesus/God said, "Well done my good and faithful servant."

Written in 2005

I was my own worst enemy, in today, I try to be my own best friend.

[MajestyJo]

Open Minded/Stubborn

Early in recovery, I kept hearing the phrase "Keep an open mind." I don't hear it as often in today. A lot of things are this is what you should do and you need to do this. There are suggestions, but there are some darn well betters or you lapse back into old patterns or end up relapsing and picking up your drug of choice.

The stubborn part of me things, "Don't tell me what to do!" Which can be an attitude that sabotages my recovery and it is the attitude that needs to change to find spirituality. My father use to say I was more contrary than stubborn. I argued for arguments sake. It wasn`t so much stubborn in my belief, but not agreeing with you, because it meant I was wrong.

As it says in the Big Book, "...that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery...."

I stubbornly refused to go back to where I came from. I saw so many relapsing, I had a healthy fear; until such a time I could turn it into trust in the program and know it would work for me.

My best thinking got me to the doors of recovery, so it seemed reasonable to open my mind to other concepts and ideas.

My life has been very much enriched as a result of opening my mind, remaining teachable, and willing to listen to others as to how the program worked for them.



The eagle means spirit. It also means freedom to me. Open mindedness is what brought that to me.

[MajestyJo]

Thoughtful of others vs Self-Pity

Not too sure if these go together to my way of thinking today.

I always try to be thoughtful of others even if I am having a pity party.

Feel like one of those coming on. Sick and tired of not getting answers and my mind is focused on myself and often think the worst. That happened recently when I went for blood work, only to find that everything was very good, except for my bone density.

It helped to be with or sharing with others on the phone, because I end up feeling that there are others a lot worse off physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally than I am. It sure helps to get out of self and be there for someone else.

The opposite of self-pity for me is being grateful. Not only saying it, but showing it. I think some people think I am in self-pity, but in truth, I look at it as no matter what happens in my life, I don`t have to pick up. I no longer abuse myself and others. Taking my pain out on others is not an option. Taking my pain to my God is a good option. When you share, it lessens the load, real or imagined.

This is a disease of perception. What I feel and what others perceive, is not always the same thing, so it only stands to reason, that I shouldn`t judge others and accept them for who and where they are in today.

When I am alone, there is no one to disagree with me. Sometimes you need a little push to get off the pot. Sometimes you don`t even know you are there.

Get off the pot and enjoy life as it is meant to be, happy, joyous, and free.

[MajestyJo]

Generous/Selfish

Have always been a generous person although what I gave away wasn't always my own! My father reminded me a few times over the years that it was 'his' stuff! I think my motto was, "What is yours is mine and what's mine is mine." I certainly needed a spiritual healing on this one.

Often it was paved with good intentions, but the motive and purpose wasn't always for the good of all.

I had to learn to find the difference between self-care and being selfish. I had to fill me up in order to have something to give. The difference was, not keeping it all to myself and sharing with others.

Before it was "What is in it for me and was often centered in money." Whether it was to get my drug of choice in the moment or just to satisfy my personal need for attention, validation, acceptance, etc. it all needed to be revised and touched by the Hand of my God.

http://www.support-native-american-a...l-Symbols.html

To Native people, the Creator is in everything that breathes, hears, tastes, smells, senses and sees, and all have lessons to be shared. The lessons that nature teaches set a pattern, and each person must find a way to fit into this pattern to ensure happiness and harmony with self and nature. All creatures and plants are equal, each performing its talents according to its abilities.

Animal symbols and their totems represent the physical form of one's spirit helper - his or her guardian or guide.

It is my understanding that the Native American belief is that the Turkey is the symbol of giving away. Turkey (Earth Eagle): Sacrifice of self for a higher purpose.

Perhaps that is why it has been a symbol at Thanksgiving and generally served at holiday feasts.

[MajestyJo]

Patient/Impatient

My life felt like I had to be put hold, and I am waiting for things to happen. I really have to guard against this, and just stay in today and not get impatient for things to come.

I have minor surgery in March and my doctor's office is phoning to let me know when I go to the sleep disorder clinic. I have been with bad results as I didn't sleep when I was suppose to, so going again. I mentioned this before, but now he feels like I need the machine for sleep apnea.

Patience has never been one of my strong points. Always wanted things yesterday, if not sooner. A friend did comment the other day that I was much more patient than I use to have. I think I was more hyper than impatient, and it is probably old age that has settled in and slowed me down.

Today, I try to wait on God's will. I can still whisper in His ear once in a while and say, "Can You give me a little hint so We both will know what is going on?"

I am reminded that I should pray and ask for patience. When I do, I get things put into my life to tolerate, so I can practice my patience.

In early recovery, when they asked for a topic for discussion, and I would always say one of the following: patience, tolerance, and acceptance. If you have the acceptance, you generally don't become impatient or intolerant.

[MajestyJo]

"When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers,
"Try it one more time." - - Unknown

SOME DAYS FEEL LIKE WE DON'T GET VERY FAR. THAT IS OKAY, ALL WE ARE ASKED TO DO IS 'TRY' ONE DAY AT A TIME.

When I looked at the picture and quote above, I was reminded about how often I have felt like I wasn't getting any where. I can remember wanting to get a quick fix and make everything OK, right now. Not realizing that I didn't get this way over night and I sure won't get better over night.

It is a one day at a time program. All I can do is the best I can on each given day. Sometimes I fall short and don't put too much effort into things. Other day, I get tired thinking about what I did.

I might not get out to meetings very often, I do have a sponsor I call when she is here. At the moment she is either in California or Arizona. I talk recovery each day for 3-5 hours posting on sites on the internet and answer mail although I have been very lax in that area lately.

Every time I mention getting a scooter, my doctor(s) say, "Keep mobile as long as you can. Try to get exercise every day." I realized that if I didn't keep going, if I stopped, one day, I might not get going again. Like my body, my mind needs exercise. My spirit needs little gems over the course of the say to stay content and at peace.

Food for the body, mind and spirit. I try to be the best me I can be in today. I will never quit recovery and staying clean and sober, unfortunately, there are days I quit on me.

[MajestyJo]

Honest/Dishonest

Honestly, at the moment, I am having problems getting motivated.

With my sleeping disorder, Sometimes I wake up to sunlight and other times, I am going to bed and miss a lot of it, which is why the motivation is lacking. I find myself saying, "I can't do this because.... It is very negative, and what I put out comes back to me.

Honesty is the best policy. How many times have we said that and thought, "Yahdy, Yahdy, Dah! I needed that self-honest to heal and get better. It isn't about other people, places, and things, it is about me and how I react to the situation in the moment.

Often make a list, so I wouldn't forget the things I need to discuss with my doctor, sponsor, son, etc. It isn't that I don't want to tell, I often forget. Then I forget my list, and then I feel dejected. How can I get my needs met,if he/she doesn't see the whole picture.

So often in the past, I only told people what I thought they wanted to hear. Who am I to judge? Who am I to make the decision for someone else? Then I have to ask, "Who am I to hurt someone by telling them the truth. They need to find their own answers." My sponsor always said, "Go within, you have all the answers." I would reply, "Yes but I don't always know what the question is." That is why we have sponsors!

I know my tongue use to be a weapon, today I try to use it to put people back together. That means being honest, speaking my truth. It is my truth and I came to realize that my truth isn't always that of others. I have a right to my own, yet in turn, to have my truth respected, I needed to respect that of others. I didn't have to agree. They didn't have to agree. We could agree to disagree.

Honesty is the best policy. Self-honesty helps me to heal and grow.

[MajestyJo]

Aware of others/Self-centered

When I am in pain, I can be on both sides of this chip. For the most part though, when in pain, I know it is best to get out of self and help others. It is a good thing that I now post on recovery sites, as I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue, I am grateful for my computer.

When I was using, it was about me with little thought of others. In today, I am much more aware and not only care, try to follow things up with action. There is feeling behind the thought.

When I haven't heard from my sister, I pick up the phone. For me, it is not good to go without contact with family for long periods of time. Unfortunately, for the most part, my family doesn't always feel the same way. Generally there is a want or a need to vent behind the call.

I try to be there for others although one night, even though I set a boundary, it was ignored and I had to reinforce it at 3 a.m. in the morning. I later felt bad, because I had to end a conversation, but the heat was getting to me and my apartment was like a sauna. If they had wanted to talk recovery, I would have made more of an effort to talk. They just wanted to talk and it sounded like they were on a pity party. If someone wants help to change,I am there, if they aren't willing, there is nothing I can do for them. When I was on the AA Help Line, I was told to not to talk to someone who was drunk. They wouldn't remember the next day, and there is just no way you can have a two sided conversation with someone who is drunk or has been using. I made exceptions some times, but only if I was in a place where I could afford to be dumped on.

I am very much guilty of not having patience and tolerance with someone who has asked for help, not taken any steps to change, and are in the same position several months and years later. When that happens, I have to say a prayer for them and for myself.

"Loving is the only sure road out of darkness, the only
serum known that cures self-centeredness." — Rod McKuen

[MajestyJo]

Forgiving/Resentful

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is
not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget
creates a new way to remember". We change the memory of our
past into a hope for our future". - - Lewis B. Smedes

Need a whole lot of work on this chip at the best of times, they say it is an Aires nature to be unforgiving. I know it is true when it comes to myself and that I can quite often get mini-resentment and have to use the tools of the program to let them go.

After Thanksgiving last Monday, I am still harbouring a whopper that doesn't seem to want to go. I think I need to reinforce the prayers because I am not too sure that I have been really willing to let them go.

I am certainly not willing to let by gones be by gones. I am not sure I want to have this person in my life any more as the incident was not the first time she promised something and never called to cancel and was a no show. Guess I trust people too much and always expect the best from them, hoping this time will be different. My biggest fault through all this was issuing the invitation in the first place and expecting different results.

Written in 2010

Realized a long time ago that I don't have to pay forever and ever about what I did in the past. It is done, I can't change it, and all I can do is try to be the best me I can be in today. No more "You owe me!" or "That's your job" or "That's your role." I don't allow others to define who I am or who I should be. When I feel like that, I know to pack the bags, and get out of there. Thank God for the program!

They say if you have a resentment against someone to pray for them for three weeks. That includes me, asking my God to heal me.

[schell81208]

Thanks Jo....that is a great way of putting it....I have come to a point in recovery where that mirror that others show of me..is so different from what I see in me...The past is a distant memory...I am grateful for it today since it does help others identify but I no longer hold it as a club over my head or play victim or that I deserve to be punished and put down because of "what i did" ...today I practice patience, tolerance and lots of self care...self care helps me to appreciate the person I am becoming each day..and the place I am in recovery...I am so grateful for now being able to accept compliments from others...and living in that saying on our coins..."to thine own self be true" It is hard to really look at myself sometimes...but I find more and more I am not afraid of who i am today and yes, when I am pin pointed or dragged through the past i can accept it but turn it over and yes the option to just go away is there...we have so many tools in this journey of recovery...learning to use them may take courage and patience with myself...but it does work...Peace, Schell

[MajestyJo]

IDENTIFY/COMPARISON

All my life it seems that I have been in competition. I always wanted to be number one, I wanted to be the center of attention, and my whole attitude was "Feast your eyes upon me, I'm here, I'm here, it's too good to be true, but I'm here, I'm here!" It was a name of a song way back when, and I took it as my theme song.

When I came into recovery, there wasn't much of that bravado left. I was an empty shell. I looked at everyone and I compared instead of identify and I stayed sick. I had to stay away from open speaker meetings because I would walk away and say I didn't do that, or I would shut down and I wouldn't listen, and I wouldn't be open to anything the speaker said.

Today thanks to recovery that is no longer true. I use to look around the rooms and say, "I want what they have!" Today, I go into the rooms, and there are few people who have what I haven't already been given or made aware of. That is not bragging, it is fact. I have worked very, very hard on my recovery for the past twelve years. I have had people come up to me and say, "I want what you have!" I respond with, "Well unless you are prepared to work really really hard and do lots and lot of service, you won't get it." They generally end up walking away.

Many times in recovery it has been lonely, because I have joined groups and women have left. Ironically, I am not in competition. I am not out to run a race. I don't want anyone's man. For most of my recovery, I wouldn't have taken him in a lucky bag, I had a lot of anger issues around men and my past. I had some with women too and that is why I joined a Woman's Group for the first three years of my recovery, and why I am in a CA Women's Group today.

The fellowship is small, it need support, and I have been give many gifts in recovery, much awareness, and a spiritual connection with my God, who has granted me a lot of blessings. I believe those blessing were a result of service, nothing more, nothing less.

I am not bad looking for an old lady, and I find it rather humorous to have women draw their men away from talking to me, I have had women leave the room when I started to share, and I never had a black out when I was drinking but I have in sobriety. I have had at least four relationships that I don't remember feeling a thing.

I was anxious last night when I went to detox that the newcomers may not identify and would shut down and shut off because I was there for CA and I have never used Cocaine or Crack in my life. But the substance doesn't matter, and thankfully I was able to put that message across. The problem is me, and the Twelve Steps are to fix me not my addiction because I have a thinking problem, not a drinking and drug problem, the man one God and I are still working on, although the new relationship is coming up to one year.

Alcohol and drug cause a soul sickness. It is a family disease and affects not just the addict and alcoholic, it affects those around them.

I have been given so much, that at two years I wanted to tell the world. At twelve years, I have been given the opportunity. At three years I questioned my existence, my reason for being. I went to two meetings a day for two years and at least once a day I heard, "Give back what was given to you!"

My tongue was a weapon for many years, I tore strips off of people, I took them apart and forgot to put them back together again. My way of making amends to these people is to share the knowledge that has been given to me, that comes my way from great spiritual teachers, from the newest of newcomers, to the oldest long-timer. Up until two years ago when I took sick, I was still doing seven to 10 face to face meetings a week because of service.

I was told if you aren't in a relationship, get involved in service. If you are having difficulty in your own life, get out of yourself by helping others. If you want to keep it, you have to give it away, but the key is, you have to have it to give.

My spiritual adviser told me that I can learn two things in recovery. How to work it and how not to work it. Take what you need and put the rest on the shelf, although for the first few years it was 'forget' the rest.

Please, don't compare identify. I don't want your recovery and I hope you don't want mine because you may get drunk or go out and use if you do. Please find your own.

Written on another site in June 2004

As long as I compared I stayed sick. When I identified parts of myself in others, I healed.

Our feet may have walked a different path to find recovery, but our minds often told us the same things, and our dis-ease manifested itself in many ways.

I had a little chuckle when I read about people not having what I had. Tsk! Tsk! I need people to remind me where I came from. With my memory, it is good but short. It is always good to have a reminder of where you have been and where you are in today. It is hard to believe it was written ten years ago.

[MajestyJo]

Satisfied/Greedy

Gluttony, greed - Wanting and taking too much: food, sex, time, money, comfort, leisure, material possessions, attention, security. Acquiring things (material things, relationships, attention) at the expense of others.

Yep, that was me in active addiction. God and I have been working on this in recovery. I know that when I become needy, I become greedy.

It is important that I don't allow myself to become 'needy' and recognize that my God meets my needs, anything over and above that is my wants and desires. They are okay in their place but not when it is at the expense of another.

It is nice to give myself some TLC and yet I know that I can spoil myself rotten, and that is not always good. It is not always good to be in a comfortable zone, it generally means time to change. If I get too comfortable, I become complacent. I must remember that it is a one day at a time program, and what I did 10 years ago, or even 10 days ago, doesn't help me in today, except perhaps, if I have already gone through it, a little bit smarter in how to handle things but not always.

Being satisfied and finding acceptance, makes me so grateful when those extra little gifts come my way.

Osho says, "Greed simply means you are feeling a deep emptiness and you want to fill it with anything possible. So drop greed, and don't be bothered about the results. Sometimes it happens that because of your impatience, you miss many things.

[MajestyJo]

Acceptance/Control

"Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with Resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary it means accepting it as it comes. . . . To accept is to say yes to life in its entirety." - - Paul Tournier

- controlling attitude toward people, places and things – Trying to control others by manipulation, bribery, punishment, withholding things or tricking them into acting as we wish, even when we believe it is in their best interest to do so. Failing to be equal partners with others and to consider their knowledge and opinions.

Not sure what the correct opposite is, was searching for a word and ended getting phrases.

When I read the preface to Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, I read the preface and ran to the nearest Al-Anon meeting. It was the word control and the issues surrounding it that really stuck out. It painted a too vivid picture and one I didn't like and needed to change.

It has been a process. It is not easy to accept people, places and things for who and what they are and where they are at. The words that came to mind were, "Mind my own business."

If you have to control it, it is already out of control.

Acceptance is the key, without it I can't get beyond where I am in today.

[MajestyJo]

Patient/Impatient

This is something I have to practice daily but even more vigilant when things don't seem to be 'going' my way. I found myself out and about at the mall today and not having too much patience for the people around me. Everyone seemed to want to walk through me and it was like I was invisible even though I am pushing a walker. Everyone seems to be in such a rush to go from point A to point B and not interested in looking at the scenery or meeting the people along the way.

It reminded me of my life prior to recovery where I had tunnel vision and looked at life through rose-coloured glasses and life was all about me with no thought of anyone else.

I am careful about praying for patience as it seems my God has a sense of humour and sends things along that I have to learn to tolerate and to practice on.

Something I wrote in 2010 about trying to apply the program to my life:

Had a real test of patience today while waiting for my friend at the hospital. When I see a line up and people waiting and then hear and see staff talking and not 'getting with it' and have little conflabs, I wanted to go up and say, "People we are in a hurry. My friend has a two hour bus ride home. She needs to be out of here!"

I didn't say anything, just thought it but shared the feeling with her. I had to look back at my own work ethics and how often I didn't focus on my own job. Pay back can be a real b*tch.

I went with her to the bus terminal, ususally we go into the mall but we were both tired. The bus I could have taken to the mall to pick up my library book left just as hers pulled in so I made the decision to go home instead of waiting.

It was nice to just sit on my walker in the sun. There was a time I wouldn't have been able to do that. To just sit there and just be and do nothing was impossible. Today I forgot my book and had nothing to read while I was waiting. I looked at a couple of magazines but for the most part I did a little meditating, centered myself, and tried to relax and let go of my pain.

One day at a time, we do get better. Other days, we can be right back there, wondering what happened but thankfully, there are tools to bring us back into the moment and the day. Just because I have a feeling, I don't have to act it out.