When you are drunk!

[MajestyJo]

A drunk opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best drinking buddy. Did you see the paper?" he asked. "They say I died." Yes, I saw it." his buddy replied "Where are ye callin' from?"

===

A drunk headed home from the local saloon comes upon a tent service one evening down by the river. Loosing his already shaky footing on the slight hillside, he proceeds to stumble right on down into the water, ending up next to the preacher. The preacher immediately grabs him by the shoulder, and says, "Mister, are you ready to find God?"

The drunk looks back at him with bleary eyes, and says, "Uh ... um ... well, If you think it'll help ... yes sir, I am."

The preacher then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up, declaring, "Have you found God?"

"No sir, I ain't." replies the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a little bit longer, brings him up, and declares once again, "Now, have you found God?"

"No sir, I A'int!" says the drunk again.

Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least thirty full seconds this time, jerks him back up, and demands, "WELL? Have you found God yet?!?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes, and pleads, "No sir, I ain't!!! Are you sure this is where He fell in???

===

Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bud.

The passenger, Bubba,said. "Lookey thar up ahead, Gator, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!! "Don't worry Bubba" Gator said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?" Asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin; okay?" Said Gator. Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin?". "No sir" Gator said. "We're on the patch."

===

A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted another man below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."

The man below replied, "You’re in a hot air ball hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a sponsor," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonists, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost.

Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be a sponsee" "I am,: replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect other people to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault."

Snagged from AA Sober Living. I think a couple may already be here somewhere.