Don;t knwo what to do or where to start

[Ihopeforbetter]

I am new here and to all of this. Although I have learned a lot in the 7 last months (even if I didn’t want to) it is all so over whelming and not sure I can handle it. So many question still. Sorry so long but I want to share. My story: I am 43 and he is 40. I met my babe 2 yrs ago and it was magic from day one, we fell for each other quickly and things we perfect. We are best friends and a love like I never thought possible!!! When the addict is “sleeping” as I call it, things are AMAZING!!!!
I did not know he was an alcoholic or used until March of this year. That’s right, a whole yr and not knowing and or not seeing it? There were never any signs at first and I never saw him drink.

But about 5 months into our relationship out of nowhere…. I didn’t hear from him for 5 days, I couldn’t believe it I thought something happened to him and was beside myself that this man could just walk away? And why did he just leave? He stopped by my home after the 5 days and made up some story about his brother and family and I believed him (at the time). So I forgave him. After this I noticed he would have a glass of wine here and there and I found it odd because he never drank (that I knew of). On New Year’s 2013 we went out with friends and he drank more than a couple, I didn’t notice anything odd (behavior wise) until we got home and he stated being really mean. The mental abuse was extreme and the things he said to me blew my mind, who was this person? The next day I confronted him and he said he was sorry and that he was “just drunk” (again I had no idea at this time he had a problem). It happened again right before March and I remember saying to him “I don’t like you drunk ” and he kind of laughed and said ya, I probably shouldn’t drink being it makes me mean. And that was that.

Well March came… the week a huge bomb was dropped. For St Patty’s 2013, we had a few events to attend. I talked to him before and he promised he wouldn’t drink I told him I just didn’t like him drunk, it wasn’t fun and he hurts me when he drinks. Not knowing he had a problem but started to wonder. I did ask him and he said no. Anyway, I didn’t “baby sit” him that night, for a lack of better terms…. So I didn’t pay attention if he was drinking or not, we HE did, and a lot. This night was so bad when we got home I couldn’t take it, right or wrong I asked him to leave, I knew he was drunk and would drive but, I had to. The things he was saying was horrible and when he firmly held me up to wall and called me a ***** I had to ask him to go!! And when he was leaving he thanked me for kicking him out? You will see why in a min. I was completely beside myself this night and so hurt. Why was he doing this?

VERY long story short… He was gone for 5-days, no calls, texts he wouldn’t return my calls nothing and his mom and sister didn’t hear from him. On the 6th night he called 1AM from hospital and said he admitted himself for drug and alcohol ad would explain everything later – this is how I found out he had a problem!!! When I got him the next day he told me he was sober for 8yrs but not for the 2 yrs I have known him, he would do good a couple months then slip. I am thinking as he talks, who was this man I lived with? Why did he lie and how could he NOT tell me!!!! I was furious and many other feelings! What did he do when he was gone? Did he cheat on me, what was going on? Emotion overload. He promised he would get help, get his sobriety back and make things better. At the same time all of this was running thru my head, it also connected a lot of the dots for his behavior I didn’t understand at times and things started to sink in. Please keep in mind, his drinking leads him to COKE, like he explained to me and his therapist explained to me, one leads to the other, if he doesn’t drink he doesn’t want to use, so it is crucial that he doesn’t drink being one leads to another. So I get EXTRA scared if he slips of what will happen if he does relapse and leaves. The last 3 slip ups (as we call it) I knew enough NOT to let him leave the house, so knowledge helps!!! And all three slip ups we were in a situation where he could sneak drinks (a restaurant, a festival and this last one was my sister’s wedding). It ruined my little sister’s wedding for me because once I saw he was drunk at 8PM I had to get him out of there, his behavior is VERY apparent when he drinks he is a completely different person!!!! Not that this is a good thing but like my therapists says, at least you know when he is drinking and not wondering if he is because he simply can’t hide it being it really changes his behavior. Ya, ok, I guess knowing is better than not.

Our problem from March and up to today! He hasn’t done anything to deal with his addiction, no meetings none of his material or exercises nothing. Some days / week are ok but others are a living hell. He keeps promising me but doesn’t do anything. We have been going to Therapy for 2 months but he still hasn’t done anything. I don’t know what to do or how long I can wait. I am now dealing with this new thing (new to me) Dry Drunk and OMG!!!! This just started 4 months ago and has gotten worse. Before our therapist told me what it was I thought I was going crazy or he was, I don’t know what is worse this or him being drunk…. And I am extra confused because he knows his behavior during this stage is tearing us apart, it’s not like he isn’t aware…. and he knew he was dealing with it (Dry Drunk), so why didn’t he tell me? He kept telling me it was money or work stress?

We are working on this, but he keeps his addict side a secret from me but I need to know more so I can learn and cope and know who I am really with. Our therapists agrees I have a right to know some things, by him keeping it all to himself I am completely in the dark and scared as hell. I have been researching and learning more and more but I am trying to find out what questions are ok to ask and what is not…. This is all so much to deal with and seems like it spins out of control any approach I try. I know, until he gets better there is no rationalizing!! I love this man and he is my best friend and I am losing my baby to the addict. Why isn’t his love for me enough to try? He knows his problem is not under control which I guess is better than him denying it, BUT how do I hold on until he is ready to get better again? I know he can do it. Is there any encouragement I can do to help him make the right choice before it is too late? I made the mistake 2 months ago of saying “get better or I can’t do this anymore” Ya, not good…. but… again… I am still learning.

I think getting some of this out helps a little even though (believe it or not) this is the short version of it all. I still have so many questions and guilt because I put him in situations to drink and even after I let him manipulate me so bad making be believe it was ok to go to a gather where there was drinking etc…. I feel SO dumb, shouldn’t I just know better? And he admits manipulate me (well, the addict did), and that hurts to hear… I am trying to deal with my life style changes so he can get a hold of his life again. I am starting to resent him, I miss my casual glass of wine at dinner and going to see a live band 2 x’s a year or the friends gathers I had to say no to. Why do I have to change everything to keep him well and he isn’t doing anything???? Can we ever go to a friend’s party or anything there is alcohol, my goodness it is EVERYWHERE!!!!! And wondering today if it is worth it, I just feel so beaten and dealing with the dry drunk …. Who will I go home to tonight? My baby or the addict?

I am so sorry – I really had to get all that out and I am hoping this site helps me and I can’t talk to him because as you know they don’t want to hear about what they did to hurt they person they love and all. I am not sure yet about in person meetings so I am starting here.